5. Football

Football is America’s new pastime; the Superbowl is one of the most watched events of the year. Football is so important to our lives that we will sit through coverage of the most boring event known to mankind, the NFL draft, just because it is semi-relevant to how our teams will play at some future time. That’s dedication.

Pros:  Bragging   rights, bragging rights and more bragging rights. Did I mention the Superbowl is the most watched event in the U.S.? If your team wins it, no fan of any other team can say anything to you for a year (not that I would know, sadly, thanks to some great time management by Andy Reid in 2005, but I’m not bitter”¦)

Cons: Roger Goodell doing all he can to turn the NFL into the “No Fun League.” I mean can anyone even touch a QB anymore? Might as well use flags.

4. The Lingerie Football League

In America we are always finding new ways to combine things, like Apple did with phones and being a hipster, or Dominos did with pizza and Oreos. The LFL is no different. We combined the time you spend watching NFL games and NFL cheerleaders.You’re welcome world.

Pros: Professionalism, good fundamental football, dedicated and knowledgeable fans… OK, who am I kidding?

Cons: Your girlfriend will like it even less than watching normal football, and the uniforms could really be a little skimpier.

3. Hockey

Basically the only professional sport which has managed to completely avoid the growing cancer of player safety rules. Hockey is one half brawl, and one half brawl while skating at each other at speeds approaching 20 mph. You must be certifiably crazy to play in the NHL.

Pros: The bounty system is encouraged, and they have the biggest trophy of all the professional leagues.

Cons: It is the one thing we will never beat Canadians.

2. The Olympics

Let’s face it, this is the only time we as a country care about fringe sports like air pistol, steeplechase  or the kind of football the rest of the world plays. We do this because ending up with our national anthem played the most number of times at the Olympics is the closest feeling we get most of the time to winning in No. 1.

Pros: “The Miracle on Ice,” the fact that every country is included so no one can avoid being measured, and losers who don’t have freaks of nature like Michael Phelps being forced to sit through our anthem eight times just during the swimming portion.

Cons: The games don’t happen every year, and after the opening ceremonies I kinda just follow the medal count.

1. Warfare

The sport before sports; basically the only indisputable way to decide whose country/city/school has the biggest”¦ will power; I guess we’ll go with that.

Pros: No refs, ultimate bragging rights (I never get tired of reminding the world of our back to back 1918 and 1945 championships)  and it’s televised on all the major networks.

Cons: Higher mortality rate than all other sports, except the Lingerie Football League.