Three things I saw online this week.

Three things that I’ve seen online this week have affected me deeply. One was an article that explained Trinity was one of three private schools in Texas who have opposed the new campus open carry laws. No, I’m still not yet confident enough to write a column on my feelings about guns in a Texas newspaper, but I’ll just say Trinity’s refusal to follow the crowd and stand by its principles makes me proud to be a tiger. Maybe one day I’ll develop a desire to get shot, and write my “gun control in the USA” article that the NRA are so scared about. You’ve been warned.

The other two things I enjoyed online were a lot less serious. One, was an excellent article written in VICE by Joel Golby, explaining that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is in fact Beyoncé for boys… Or Boyoncé as this article so lovingly dubbed him. I can associate with this. Why shouldn’t us guys have a figurehead for our gender who is revered and loved in almost all walks of society? Beyoncé is able to transcend so many boundaries in society with her music and her general way of life. The tshirts that read “Don’t worry. Be Yoncé.” exemplify her calming and inspirational influence on women (and some men) in our society. When Michelle Obama is calling you an inspirational woman, you know you’re serious.

But… I don’t wish I was Beyoncé. I wish I was The Rock. Physically, he’s a mountain of a man. I feel like he could push over most trees with a gentle one-finger prod. I’m not the most muscular of a man, and that’s being very generous to myself, so naturally I enviously admire the biceps and abs of the football and baseball players when they work out in the weight room. The Rock, however, is in a whole other galaxy. He’s a beast. I feel like one of his arms is about the same width as both of my thighs. And yet he has a lovable side. He’s so charismatic. If you haven’t seen him lip-sync battling, stop reading this right now and YouTube it. There’s pretty much nothing The Rock can’t do. He was one of the most successful WWE wrestlers of all time, something I wish I was athletic enough to be able to do, and then just decided he wanted to make movies and now is one of the highest paid actors in Hollywood. It’s astounding. He doesn’t get enough credit for all his talents. I’d love to be him, but I’d settle for his best friend/punching bag.

The last thing that I connected with this week was Drake’s video for his hit song Hotline Bling. Now don’t stop reading just yet. I’m not just gonna go fangirling over drake for the rest of this article… Well, I might a little, but it’s only because I truly believe it to be of importance. In a time where a column published next to mine generates enough anger in the trinity community that YikYak is blowing up about it and we have three guest columns written in the trinitonian responding to it, I think it’s important not to take life so seriously. I think it’s important to just sit back and say “you know what? I do wish I was The Rock.” “You know what? I do wish I was as cool as Drake is.” “You know what? I’d rather talk about ice cream than a crisis in Russia.” And that’s not a crime.

But as far as the video goes… It’s a work of genius. So simplistic and yet infectious. Essentially, drake dances in a variety of white box shaped rooms with various coloured lights changing the image with the beat. Oh, and there’s four voluptuous African-American women sat on some stairs. It’s amazing. The internet exploded with memes and .gifs of the man nick-named Drizzy dancing within hours of the video first being released. I haven’t been able to stop attempting to replicate his dance moves on the way to and from class, in the shower, whilst practicing for soccer or during my supposed homework time. Drake’s ability to make things that should be awful look like the coolest things in the world is unreal. Who else can get away with wearing timberland boots and a turtleneck jumper in a rap video? Only Drake. His dancing in the video SHOULD be viewed as awkward and cringeworthy and almost reminiscent of a drunk uncle at a wedding. But, alas, drake’s too effortlessly cool for that.

So, after careful consideration of this week’s events, my top 5 men I wish I was list now reads like this:


1). David Beckham (Duh.)

2). The Rock

3). Drake

4). T-Pain (Sorry I had to move you down mate)

& 5). Cristiano Ronaldo

I think that’s a pretty solid list. Now excuse me while I go and perfect my “hotline bling” phone ringing dance move and write my first hit single: “Teach me how to Drizzy.”

Ugh. I’m definitely not as funny as I think I am.