We wanted to understand the psychology of fear. Instead, we found ourselves chased by zombies, lectured by AI-generated politicians and mildly offended by a documentary about rice paddy fields at three of San Antonio’s most sought-after haunts: The 13th Floor, the Swashbucklers’ annual Haunted Hall and Terrorland.
Location One: The 13th Floor.
Rating: 8/10
There she stood on the other side, and when she saw us, her head tilted 90 degrees to the left — how can a human achieve such a feat? The scare actor dressed as Samara from “The Ring” fell to her knees and crawled across the floor, underneath the window, with the speed and fury of a cockroach scurrying behind you as you walk through the Coates Esplanade. We screamed, obviously, and so did she. “Go that way,” she said. We ran that way. There was no other way to go.
The 13th Floor was an excellent experience, and we definitely recommend you go before it closes on Nov. 9. The decorations, scare actors and ambiance were all top-tier. Each prop looked eerily realistic, and scare actors frequently threatened and screamed at us — all things you would hope to experience on a fun-filled Tuesday night. Our only criticism was that it was too short.
Location Two: Haunted Hall at Myrtle Hall
Rating: 6/10
Bathed in dim, red light, we crept forward with caution. The halls were still and empty — a little too empty — yet we couldn’t shake the feeling that something was coming. As we turned the corner, we noticed one section of the wall was a bit darker than the others. Something was lurking. Before we could process it, the wall itself jumped out at us. A figure with a pale white face and painted-on smile sprung out from the shadows, and our souls left our bodies.
Each room in the Haunted Hall was filled with a new kind of terror. A haunted game show, a killer clown, deadly office hours and even the Grim Reaper himself handing out “totally-safe-to-consume” candy.
However, one room left us confused and put off; it was filled with leaves and a documentary portraying rice paddies in India. The speakers alternated between broken English and perfect Hindi, discussing what it was like to work in paddy fields.
We weren’t sure what the horror was supposed to be here. Was it Indian people? Poverty? Rice? It felt out of place and a bit hurtful to us as two Indian
women. Though a member of the Swashbucklers later said that the room was about the horrors of climate change, that message was lost on us.* We laughed it off, but it left a weird aftertaste amid the otherwise campy fun.
All in all, the tour was enjoyable and a good effort, especially for a student-made production. Though there were only four rooms and no cohesive theme, the few students who participated gave it their all.
Location Three: Terrorland
Rating: 4/10
A bullet to the head is the only cure to COVID-20, if you believe what an AI-generated Donald Trump told us at Terrorland. At least you won’t need a booster. AI-generated Kamala Harris agreed, but she couldn’t form a coherent sentence. We’ll let that speak for whoever runs
Terrorland. The scariest thing about this plot point was how terrifying the AI-generated news anchor looked; her smile was so wide it looked
like Koro-sensei’s from “Assassination Classroom.” We had high hopes for the haunted hayride, but it turned out that the most frightening part was the drive there, when our car nearly veered into a ditch thanks to the lack of streetlights. When we lined up for tickets, we were promptly met with a meat cleaver to the neck, held by a 12-year-old girl, saying nothing but “hello” and laughing maniacally.
Many of the scare actors appeared to be young adults, likely kids in school doing their best, which makes it hard to be harsh — but the truth’s the truth.There were a few good screams, like when a zombie broke out of a coffin and ran right at us, but those moments were rare. Mostly, we watched actors attack each other while we sat in a haze of dust. It felt more like a low-budget movie than an immersive haunt, and we didn’t bring home nightmares, just sand in our lungs.
One of Terrorland’s few redeeming qualities was our tractor driver. After heeding a warning from a passerby about a horde of zombies approaching, he thought it was smart to frequently stop and bellow, “Y’all seen a horde?” in the direction of suspiciously zombie-like individuals. Maybe he’d be the first to die in a horror movie — but for the night, he was our only comic relief.
*Anthony Romero, a Trinitonian sports reporter, is a Swashbuckler who was a part of the Haunted Hall experience. He confirmed that the room’s purpose was to highlight the fear of climate change.
