Sometimes I feel like Iâ€™m the only person who absolutely hates the holidays. Of course, being the only vocal nonbeliever in a family of absolute nuts, itâ€™s not really hard to believe. Â But I still participate in the traditions and everything, like a good child should, and I hate it.
First off, let me make this clear that when I say that I hate â€œthe holidays,â€ I really mean Christmas in particular. Â I hate Christmas. Â Thatâ€™s my opinion, and I am in no way saying that everyone should hold the same contempt for the holiday that I do. Â Why do I hate it? Â I donâ€™t know! Â I just do. Â Itâ€™s horrible and vile and I dislike it, and if you call me a grinch or say â€œBah humbugâ€ to mock me I will punch you in the face and scream my hatred at the top of my lungs. Â You arenâ€™t funny. You arenâ€™t original. Youâ€™re just annoying.
â€œOkay, really, itâ€™s not that bad,â€ you say. Â Well, what about the near-constant bombardment of horrible in-season songs that hits you every time you walk into a store? Â What about all the horrible inflatable Santas and snowmen that sit out on peopleâ€™s yards? Â Those snowmen arenâ€™t fooling anyone; it doesnâ€™t even snow where I live! Â Whatever. Â It doesnâ€™t matter.
Okay. Â Maybe the real reason I hate the holidays is because my mother brings out this horrible clock that plays Christmas songs every hour. Â Its sound resonates through the whole house, so there is no escape from its horrible death call, no matter where you try to hide. Â Itâ€™s been about 14 years now that sheâ€™s had that clock, and not one year has she gone without it. Â At this point, the clock is so old that I can no longer even recognize some of the songs it plays, but it just keeps going and going, marking every hour that passes with warped versions of overly cheerful tunes. Â Â Eventually, the repeated songs just fade into the background as my mind adjusts to hearing them.
Maybe you think I only hate this clock so far as I can complain about it, maybe you think itâ€™s one of those things that I love to hate, maybe you think that I donâ€™t actually hate the clock, but only pretend to because itâ€™s embarrassing. Â The truth is I actually do hate this clock, and my hatred goes much deeper than regular hate. Â I donâ€™t just hate the clock, I hate what it represents. Â I hate this clock because it acts as if my willingness to waste time is something to celebrate. Â Â You see, itâ€™s not just a clock; itâ€™s a symbol! Â Itâ€™s a symbol of things and stuff. Â You know how it is.
Lauren Schroeter is a junior majoring in geology and religion.