Man, the last three and a half months have flown by so fast! Now our professors are trying to cram the last bit of knowledge into us since final exams are right around the corner.

The joke is on them because I know most of us have been checked out for at least a month because I can see several hundred vacancy signs when I just walk across campus. Unfortunately, we have to get our butts in gear if we want to be able to walk through our parents’ threshold with our heads held high and not in shame.

It can be a stressful time, so let me offer some free advice.

Talk Less. Smile More.

Stop gabbing with your friends and hit the books. When finals are about, there is no time for chitchat. Just smile politely if you cross paths with a comrade, and then run as quick as you can to a solitary space.

This also works if you look particularly haggard (which you will) and someone asks you how you are doing. Force a smile on your face, and they will immediately be assured of your mental stability.

Plan, Plan, Plan!

I’m gonna be frank, you need to plan out the next two weeks to the minute if you don’t want to go crazy. With finals, holiday activities, and gift makin and buying you do not have much time on your hands. And I’ll tell you, you don’t look cute when you pull three all-nighters in a week.

Plan your studying and writing into specific increments so you can keep the stress as much at bay as possible. It’ll be a pain in the ass to follow, but you’ll thank yourself in the long run. Also, plan where you will study aside from the library. That place will be so jammed pack the next two weeks it’ll make a sardine can look cozy.

Eat/Sleep Regularly

This one is a given. I won’t drone on about specifics, but please try to have at least three meals a day and six hours of sleep. I don’t care what you eat, just do it. If you can manage, try to eat something orange or green all for the better. Also sleep wherever the hell you can. In the library, study room, or lounge. No one will judge you.

In return, I ask that none of you judge me when you find me passed out under stairwells. Pretending I’m Harry Potter calms my nerves, okay?

Become a Trophy Wife or Husband

Just drop out of school and marry a millionaire. Then you don’t have to worry about making good grades, and your parents (specifically your mom) will be hella proud of you. It’s sooooo much easier than studying. For more information, there are many websites that can guide you in the right directin. Try Craigslist?

Plus if you choose smartly, you’ll be set for life. Eyes off Daniel Radcliffe. That short nerdy man is mine.

I sincerely hope that each and every one of you ace your finals. But keep in mind that your health comes first. That, and becoming a trophy spouse. It’s a tie really.