Use advice based on your star sign to help you navigate the fuzzier parts of life. (Disclaimer: This reporter knows absolutely nothing about astrology. Proceed at your own risk.)

Capricorn

It’s time for you to take a chill pill. You’ve been working so hard, why not just drop everything and live selfishly for a while? Don’t do homework, don’t go to class. Just huddle up in your residence hall and prepare for a nice long staycation in bed. 3 out of 5 stars.

Scorpio

Your illusions of grandeur are keeping you from being realistic. While you have nice dreams, you’re not actually going to accomplish anything important, ever. Give up. Go back to the dumpster. Aspirations are for nerds. 2 out of 5 stars.

Aries

Mercury is in retrograde this week and will cause conflict between you and companions. Hide in your room, lock all your doors and never come out. Use this time to binge-watch all those episodes of Naruto you missed in 8th grade. There’s no better way to figure out what you need in life. 2 out of 5 stars.

Cancer

Things are quickly coming to a close. You’ve been pushing other people around for a while now but soon they’re going to call you on it. Refuse to show your cards. Better yet, set the whole deck on fire. Play innocent, and then slam all your haters on your blog. 4 out of 5 stars.

Virgo

Now is the time to spend all your money. Your rising sun is in Aries, which keeps you from holding onto your hard earned cash. Don’t fight it. Treat yourself, and while you’re at it write this reporter a check. 4 out of 5 stars.

Gemini

The world has been working in mysterious ways for you lately. Bad fortune could secretly be good fortune. Take that D in calculus class as a blessing in disguise. At least, that’s what you should tell your parents when they ask you about it. Remember, slackers are scientifically proven to be more creative than people who work hard! 3 out of 5 stars.

Leo

You’re paranoid and it’s justified. Everyone is out to get you. Avoid Leeroy the Tiger in particular; this orange menace is not to be trusted. 5 star day.

Sagittarius

You should just leave. Stand up, walk away, change your name, never return. See if anyone notices. What a fun prank! 6 out of 5 stars.

Pisces

New week, new you! Every planet is in retrograde, which means your life has turned upside down! Now is the time to try out a fun new look or daring fashion statement. If you’re too poor to buy a whole new wardrobe, go through your roommate’s side of the closet instead! (Their blazer looks horrible on you. 1 out of 5 stars.)

Libra

You’ve been living in the past and it’s more obvious than ever before. High school is over. Stop pretending that Flo Rida is still cool, make new friends, and join a club or two. At this point it’s just sad. 2 out of 5 stars for effort.

Aquarius

You’re basically just a knockoff Gemini. See above. 2 out of 5 stars.

Taurus

You’re perfect. Change nothing. 5 stars.