“Diet” is one of the most dreaded words in our society’s lexicon.  Individuals go through absurd measures in  an attempt to attain the unachievable body ideal.

 According to the National Association of Eating Disorders, 91 percent of women recently surveyed on a college campus had attempted to control their weight through dieting, with 22 percent dieting “often’ or “always.”

 In this segment we are going to illustrate some of the crazy diets out there and then illustrate what you should be eating. Remember like the famous nutrition educator said, “The food you eat can either be the safest and most powerful form of medicine or the slowest form of poison.” But also please remember to give yourself a break. You are only human.

 

The Streisand Singer’s Diet

By Mason Walker

Okay, now let us be clear: the Streisand singer’s diet is not really a diet. It is, in fact, the opposite of the average singer’s diet. A good vocalist avoids caffeine, dairy, sugars and salty foods, drinks plenty of water and does a thorough warm-up before performing. Indeed, whenever I know I will be singing at some point during the day, I do my best to follow this process.

Barbra Streisand does not. Since she is perhaps the premier pop singer of the last century or two, I had always wondered what her secret was. Apparently, she maintains her voice by following this simple rule: do none of the things that are thought to be conducive to maintaining your voice.

As I delved into the specifics of Barbra Streisand’s diet (that must be the creepiest thing I have ever written), I found that she loves taking coffee and donut breaks during rehearsals, enjoys tasting exotic dishes (“I’m a foodie,” she bashfully admits in one interview) and washes down her meals with a bowl or two of ice cream, which, according to a fan site, she tops off with something called “Nutty Chocolate sauce.”

On top of it all, she hardly ever warms up vocally, claiming that she finds it “too boring.” All of this should be the makings of vocal disaster. Yet type “Barbra Streisand My Man” into YouTube, and you will see no hints of her horrid dietary choices. The tone is crystalline, the vibrato is seamless and the range remains impressive to this day.

It just is not fair. Chocolate bars and cups of coffee do not stop Babs from sounding divine—surely they would not stop me from sounding decent!

So, one day last week, I went all out. I had milk with my cereal. I had them put cheese on my taco from, erm, Taco Taco. I finished it off with a latte.

After that, I had a cup of tea (Streisand’s pre-show drink of choice, rumour has it) and, without doing a single warm-up, launched into George Gershwin’s “Summertime.”

The results were not just disappointing. They were frightening. My tone sounded like Lou Reed and Louis Armstrong’s fictional baby, if that baby had laryngitis. My vibrato wobbled up, down and all around. And, upon going for higher notes, I sounded remarkably like the mom from “That ‘70s Show.”

In short, the Streisand diet is not for us mere mortals. If you want to sing well, I would recommend the singer’s diet that has prevailed for centuries—one heavy on lean meat, light on dairy and desserts and filled with water, water and more water.

That is, unless you know something the rest of us do not— which Barbra, the love of my musical life, clearly does.

 

The Baby Food Diet

By Maddie Smith

The Baby Food Diet is a lose-10- pounds-quick fad that allows participants to eat about 1,000 calories of pureed baby food for two weeks.  I’m not sure what the science behind it is, but I guess the researchers thought that because babies are small and eat mashed-up carrots, anybody who eats mashed-up carrots can weigh twelve pounds, too. I can’t argue with numbers.

I went to HEB and bought the recommended fourteen servings of Gerber pureed baby food.  My snacks include blended-up bananas, peaches peas, sweet potatoes, squashes and ham & ham gravy.  Sounds like a real Thanksgiving meal.

In the morning, I attempted to choke down some of the banana-flavored concoction.  I quickly realized that this was going to be a much more strenuous task than I’d previously imagined.  I can’t imagine how babies are capable of ingesting this stuff.  Maybe that’s why I’m eating all the time now— I want to make up for the horrors I was exposed to as an infant.  I ended up mixing the peach and banana meals together to void the disgusting flavors of both.  With a rumbling tummy, I continued my day.

For lunch, I chowed down on a little sweet potato and squash.  I have a bias that fruits are a breakfast food and vegetables are for lunch and dinner.  I don’t know why I purchased either of these flavors, as I hate both sweet potatoes and squashes,  so they definitely should not have been the obvious choices.  However, I was famished and continued lifting the spoon to my trembling lips.  I’d begun noticing the other girls in the cafeteria leering at me with an emotion I can only describe as envy.

Dinner was the worst yet.  I had about four containers of the Ham & Ham Gravy flavor.  I don’t know exactly what possessed me to even think about buying this one, but it was all I had.  Hot bod, here I come.

Overall, this diet doesn’t seem to do anything besides induce intestinal pain and cost money.  However, most good things in life do, too.  I’m pretty sure that anybody would lose weight eating baby food all day, but I couldn’t imagine following through with this diet for more than one day.  I was so hungry and wanted nothing more than to chew on something substantial.  I would only recommend this if you are actually considering becoming a baby and want to get a real feel for things before jumping in blind.  Best of luck!

 

Candy Aisle Diet

By John Mendiola

My editor decided to do an Arts & Entertainment subsection that revolved around food. This being the A&E section, it either had to be lists (we LOVE buzzfeed) or it had to be something bordering on dangerous. My initial idea was to do a strict week of eating at Mabee; literally the only thing to enter my mouth (barring oxygen, toothpaste, etc.) had to come from Mabee. The other writers opposed the idea due to their concern for my health and taste buds. It was not that difficult to convince me to do something else. Instead, I opted for the candy aisle at the P.O.D.

Unfortunately, the day of unhealthy treats did not mark any noticeable difference, due to it being a mainstay of my daily diet. Even before this challenge, my body was probably made up of 40 percent water and 60 percentKitKat. There may be trace amounts of egg, bacon and M&M’s — as a side note, I do not eat those things all at the same time.

I will probably end up regretting the choice of eating KitKat and M&M’s for an entire day and adding 10 pounds to my body, but alas, that day is not today. I suggest everyone do the same thing. It really does lead to a happier life. Or maybe this is all the sugar talking…