So it’s Spring Family Weekend, you’re a senior and your family is conspicuously absent.  What do you do? Um, well, you go about your business as you usually would. A lot of us don’t live on campus anyway, so it doesn’t really affect us… Wait, what? You mean that isn’t an option? I can’t just say that and be done with it—     I have to write a whole column about this? Come on!

Well, anyway. You’re a senior and, as a senior, your family no longer comes  to school to participate in Spring Family Weekend. Everyone else has their families and you’re just sitting there, well, being you. It’s not fun. In fact, it’s downright depressing, because you’ve just now come to the realization that, hey, maybe your family doesn’t actually like you that much, given that they aren’t here right now. How do you distract yourself from the pain? How do you distract yourself from the agony of not getting to spend quality time with your oh-so-loving family? Well, you’re in luck, because here’s a handy-dandy list of cool things to occupy your time while everyone else is frolicking about with their families.

1) Stay away from campus. Live off campus? Stay home. Go out to eat. Do your own thing.  Oh, you live on campus? Well, just stay with someone who lives off campus. Staying near the school will only remind you of how utterly lonely you are without your dear old mom and dad. Need help finding legitimate reasons to leave campus? Go camping in the middle of urban San Antonio. Go camping in the wilderness. It’s not like anyone cares what you do. If they did, they probably would’ve come to see you on Spring Family Weekend.

2)  Alternatively: Live on campus? Sit naked on your balcony. Your parents aren’t here to tell you what to do. It doesn’t matter. Sit naked anywhere on campus. Sit naked everywhere on campus. Just do it. Get arrested for public indecency? Blame your parents for not bringing you up right. That’ll show ‘em.

3)  Mourn, for your family is dead to you. They mean nothing to you now.

4) You’re an adult, you’re over 21. Drink your sorrows away, you sad sack of trash.

5) Do homework for once in your life. Lord knows you aren’t actually going to do it otherwise. Convince yourself that you aren’t growing up to be the disappointment your parents always thought you were.

6) Drink more of your sorrows away, because you realize you totally are the disappointment your parents thought you were! Yay!

7) Complain loudly on all your social media accounts about how Mabee’s food is so much better during events like this. No one has ever heard this before, honest.

8) None of that catching your fancy? Do you just want in on the Spring Family Weekend fun?  Pretend that someone else’s family is your family. Doesn’t matter who they are. Pick a family arbitrarily and follow them throughout the day, pretending to be one of their kids. Sit with them at Mabee, ask them questions like, “So how’s the dog doing?” If they say that they don’t have a dog, reply, “Sparky died? Why didn’t you tell me?,” and cry loudly enough to drown out their questions of, “Who the hell are you?” Comment on how your “mom” has changed her hairstyle. “Dad, did you get different glasses?” You know, stuff like that. Be a nuisance.  If they ignore you, then lament about how you’ve always been the least favorite, about how they won’t even acknowledge you as their child. Then get sad about how close to the truth this actually comes.

9) Throw a party, invite everyone’s parents, sleep with someone’s mom. Go ahead, tear someone’s family apart, you absolute monster!

10)  Go about your normal day as you usually would. Like a normal person. Spring Family Weekend isn’t that notable, anyway. It’s easy enough to ignore.