For all of you clowns out there who are just starting to get the hang of this whole San Antonio thing that we live in, Fiesta is coming up April 19 to the 29, and as a lover and student of this fine city we call a saint, I feel it is my duty to melodramatically inform you about San Antonio’s premiere festival (oh yeah baby, it does say that on the website).

What is Fiesta, you ask? Well if Wikipedia and the rest of the interwebz didn’t exist, I’d tell you that it’s a festival that started back in 1891 thanks to some old broads that decked out their buggies and paraded around tossing out flowers like yet to be disillusioned homecoming queens and all in honor of the heroes at San Jacinto and the Alamo. So basically, thanks to Jim Bowie and D-d-d-davey Crockett we have Fiesta. Since we do have the interwebz (and good news, I’m not your only source of information), you can read more scrumptious little tidbits on the Fiesta webpage which has been so useful to me: www.fiesta-sa.org.

If you actually end up looking at that site, or talk to your more experienced (bow-chicka-wow) peers, you’ll uncover that Fiesta is indeed awesome and a great source of wholesome (or maybe not so wholesome) fun for you and your little Trinity family. There are parades, pageants, art shows, carnival-y type things and other random events kindly planned for us by the volunteer-based Fiesta commission.

But to help you get started for the upcoming 11 days of San Antonio cultural delight, I’m going to recommend to you the top 5 events that I would prioritize (“this is my article after all,” she said conceitedly) and my near-divine reasoning for wanting to go.

10th Street River Festival: April 27-29. It’s on the river, it’s a free event, it has blues, tejano, C&W, and oldies music. Also, food. If an event has food in the description, most likely I’ll be interested in going. If it has music, then definitely.

A Day in Old Mexico and Charreada: April 22. Once again, food. Then there’s mariachi music and lovely ladies doing fancy horse choreography. Over-simplification of the charreada? I prefer to think of it as “‘nuff said.”

NIOSA: April 24-27. Nights In Old San Antonio. This one has food out the hizzhap, crowds of happy friendly people, and takes place at the Villita, a.k.a Old San Antonio. Duh. Also, amazing hats everywhere that quietly cry, “Margaret, wear us! Wear us!”

Fiesta Carnival: April 18-29. In my head, I am imagining the perfect baby of the spirit of San Antonio and the fair from “Charlotte’s Web” a.k.a would-be perfection. Plus, anything that involves carnival rides and bright lights is a must-visit for this lady.

Fiesta Flambeau Parade: April 28. Speaking of lights, guffaw, according to the lovely Fiesta Site this is the “largest illuminated night parade in the nation”. Imagine that atmosphere people, and you are imagining a little thing called magic.