There are two kinds of people in this world. There are those who think that being single is the best time of their lives. For others, relationships are the only thing worth living for. This second group of people is wrong. You don’t need a committed relationship, you need a cat! They basically fulfill the same emotional needs as a relationship, but they’re much better in every way. Still doubtful? Read on to finally understand how a relationship with a this feisty animal is better than any relationship you could dream of having with another human.  

  1. A cat will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore, because it doesn’t love you most of the time anyways. Cats are very upfront about what they want: food and exactly three belly rubs before they will attack you. People, however, are not so straightforward. Sometimes you buy them food and then do not receive love in exchange.
  2. Some people get very upset when their significant other interacts with other people without their supervision. These people need cats because cats don’t want to interact with anyone (including you, but this is irrelevant to your goals).  The point is, it is perfectly legal to lock a cat inside of your house and never let it outside ever again. In fact, some people even go so far as to lock up their pets when guests come over. They have no choice but to love you the most when you’re the only one that they have ever met! When it comes to romantic partners, locking them in your bedroom is frowned upon, and your lover will most likely take legal action against you if you attempt it. (Solution: don’t let them escape.)
  3. When your cat is feeling cuddly, it may choose to sleep on top of you, providing instant warmth and fuzziness. A full sized human would crush your windpipe under the same circumstances, and you’ll end up in the hospital.
  4. No matter what type of relationship, eventually there will always be a point where feelings come up in the conversation. However, cats can only meow in various tones. These can be interpreted however you want! For the past three years, every time your cat has meowed, she’s been trying to break up with you. Good thing you’ll never know that! You’ll never be alone again!
  5. You’ll save time and money on food because your cat will never argue with you about what kind of pizza to get for Netflix and Chill. Your Netflix queue will also be perfectly attuned to your viewing tastes, because your cat can’t put on “Tosh.0” when you were determined to binge-watch  “Say Yes to the Dress.”
  6. 6. When the mood strikes to wear less and go out more, what is your cat going to do about it? Nothing. They’ll wait patiently at home while you go flirt it up, which is the opposite of your last six “relationships.”
  7. You always have someone to take selfies with. Friends and lovers abandon you in your time of selfie need. Cats gain likes. It’s basic science.
  8. The cat will never leave the toilet seat in the wrong position. If only all your significant others lacked opposable thumbs!