For those of you who haven’t heard, I have the most wonderful news — the events that transpired are a testament to how political correctness is making America a better and safer place. It occurred mid-January, in middle of nowhere, Wisconsin, somewhere around Hilbert High School. Local jock April Gehl justly received a 5 game suspension for utilizing Twitter as a means to express her outrage at the Wisconsin Interscholastic Athletic Association.

Why did she express her outrage at said Association, you may ask? Because the uncivilized Gehl discovered that the heroes at WIAA recently shared an email with the districts of Wisconsin demanding the total destruction of hurtful language (trash talk, as it’s known to the plebeians) used by fans at sporting events. Only under pain of ejection from the premises, or even a suspension, will the heathens who litter the stands be able to use the phrases “Airball,” “scoreboard,” and especially the dreaded “There’s a net there,” as mean-spirited chants designed to torture and extinguish the opposing players’ souls.

Gehl’s tweet in response to the email was so profane and so despicable that I simply could not find the exact transcription on any of the hundreds of articles I scoured searching for it. Apparently, she was unhappy with this development, and I cannot for the life of me determine why.

Having once graced the high school hardwood with my presence, I remember how awful the slander could be that was hurled towards athletes on the floor. One time, I was “dunked on” by some “stud” in front of a packed house. Of course, the entire gym (my team’s so-called fans as well) followed with an energetic “Oooooooooooooh” that left me so mentally scarred that I still have nightmares about it. I would have loved to watch some of those jackals receive the boot, but even more so, because I’m a humanitarian, I would of loved for them to never think of insulting or disrespecting me in the first place.

The brave men and women at WIAA are some of the first Americans to restrict one’s speech in this manner, demonstrating that as a society, we are on the right track. The Hilbert School District’s decision to suspend Gehl the Terrible for her tweet, a blatant violation of the right to free speech, sends a clear message to the sporting world: feelings over all. It doesn’t matter if you’re winning a closely contested ballgame, or getting the living s*** kicked out of you — you need to feel good about yourself.  

I stand with the WIAA and the Hilbert High School District. Some cruel-hearted realists will offer the same old response in order to combat our revolutionary efforts. They will say, “Oh, life is tough,” “The truth is not always easy to hear” or even “Freedom of speech is the foundation on which this country was founded on.” Lol. Guys, don’t you get it? We don’t really need to freely express ourselves. What we need is to guarantee that words can never again be used to hurt people’s feelings. This is why the higher-ups of academia get paid the big bucks- to facilitate the huge strides we are making towards a censored U.S.A. If simple-minded ninnies such as April Gehl can’t get behind them, we’ll hit them with a “You can’t do that,” although that might be a little tougher once people find out we actually banned that chant.