Somebody once said, “To write well, you have to write what you know.” I believe it was Josie Geller, a high school nerd played by Drew Barrymore, but that’s really beside the point. All I’m saying is that I’m going to tell you what I know, and here, my darling Trinitonian readers, is what I know. While moving into your newly acquired residence hall rooms, setting up trinkets and stressing out about which drawer will hold your underwear (is it only me?), what’s really going on in your mind is something entirely more concerning.

How are you going to impress everyone by making them believe you know all there is to know about college parties? We all knew this day was coming as soon as we heard Asher Roth’s famous hit “I Love College” and, let’s be honest, you probably should have prepared, but do not fret. I’m here to alleviate all your fears and tell you not to worry your little collegiate mind, for I’m about to share with you the most helpful tips on college drinking games and how to avoid the alleged party foul.

When it comes to “Thirsty Thursday” and “Tuesday Night Ice,” the most important thing I can tell you is to have an open mind. Do expect to have a good time, but don’t set your standards too high. The second most important thing is to familiarize yourself with the games. Some to take note of include: beer pong, flip cup, king’s cup, quarters, drenga and, of course, chug, which is essentially just a race of endurance.

In regards to beer pong, my advice is this: DON’T MISS because if you miss, you might have to cover your shame with more alcohol. With flip cup, I can only assure you that you will hate yourself about 10 seconds after and that full-cup flip cup is ALWAYS a bad idea. Don’t drink the concoction in the center of king’s cup, no matter how macho you think you are, but do practice quarters at home (this is more important than laundry) and, of course, when playing drenga (drunk Jenga), do yourself a favor and sit by someone attractive.

Understand that knowing how to play the game doesn’t necessarily get you the “in.” The phrase “party foul” has been defined by our trusty Urban Dictionary as, “something socially unacceptable done in a social gathering.” If you want to ensure that these new college kids will take you seriously, you need to tactfully avoid doing any of the following:

• spilling anything, especially on someone else
• breaking anything, yes, this does include sliding glass doors
• not finishing your cup, shame on you
• public drunk dance floor hookups, it’s just gross to watch, trust me
• drunk texting, you’ll thank me in the morning
• urination off balconies, when there’s a perfectly good backyard?
• making a drunk scene, we’re just trying to party, bro
• not dressing for the theme, don’t be afraid to go all out!

Above all else, party smart. Call a taxi when needed. Yellow Cab’s number is 210-222-2222, and it’s the most foolproof number to remember (even while intoxicated). I also have to remind you that neither Trinity University, the Trinitonian nor I condone underage drinking or getting too “shwasted,” but we know you want to have a good time. This will be the best four years of your life, I promise, but just remember kids ““ drink responsibly.