Before I delve into this touchy and emotional topic, I first want all of my readers to be aware that I did originally plan on making this article a serious one. All about how you and your significant other can survive being apart in this cruel, cruel world that separates your young love.

But who are we kidding, right? Here I am, sitting in Mabee, about to write this article, and sarcasm is oozing from my fingertips and onto my keyboard. So, for all of you out there who are in serious, long-term relationships, know that I totally respect that, but this article probably won’t help strengthen your relationship “¦ like at all “¦ not even a little bit. But hey, if you like a good chuckle or two in the midst of your busy day, what the heck, keep on reading.

Don’t get me wrong. I did some extensive research, and the facts I lay before you do have some credibility. And I promise I’ll really try to relay this research to you in an informative, not overly offensive, witty fashion. So deep breath, here we go:

1) Foundation Frustration

This term, coined by yours truly, is what I would like to call: the obvious flossing truth. Look, if you and your significant other (abbreviated s.o. in the world of all things evil and abbreviated) were never actually significant, odds are you won’t be when you’re 3,000 miles away. A good rule of thumb here is if one of you refuses to make your relationship FBO (that’s Facebook official). RED FLAG, PEOPLE, AM I RIGHT?

2) Lies, Lies, Lies

It’s sort of another obvious flossing truth. If relationships are built on trust and honesty (what?), then you better not tell your s.o. about that hottie hot hottie from the bar you keep “innocently” texting. “We’re just friends, babe, why don’t you trust me?” As if we haven’t heard that before, you lying, two-timing CHEATER. I digress.

3) Talk to the hand  

The phone in your hand, that is. Communication above all else is key. Telling your s.o. the little things about your day will help them suppress that creepy urge to sniff your old underwear that they just have because that’s normal, right? But guys, don’t take that as an excuse to text your girl every time you’re taking a dump, and girls, don’t take that as an excuse to tell your beau how much you love Aria’s new look on “Pretty Little Liars.” A simple, “˜I had pasta today and thought of that time we went to Little Italy, I miss you babe!” text will suffice. Damn, I’m romantic.

4) No drama for your mama

Let’s be real for a second. Relationships are complicated no matter where the hell you are in relation to your significant other. So, for the love of all things holy, don’t go out of your way to make things bat-poo crazy. Keep the relationship relatively simple, because the difficulties you two will face will stem from being apart. (Eww, I think that was actually helpful? I will try not to do that again.)

5) Time is a-tickin’

There’s an internal time clock that each of us has. We count down for the weekend, we count down for the summer and we count the number of seconds we excessively drink our liquor. Ha, just kidding on the last one of course. What I’m getting at is that you should visit your s.o., and visit often (if financially possible) because if posting a countdown on each other’s Facebook walls every single freaking day isn’t all cute and romantic and vomit-y, then I don’t know what is.

6) Sexy screen time

Yea, I’m totally going here. If you don’t have a Skype account, make one. You’ll thank me later as soon as you find that sweet spot ““ pun intended ““ to set up your laptop (aka facing your bed).