This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here. 

Anonymous Instagram accounts that use school names and logos have been trending over the past decade. Trinity has many of its own “school accounts” which catch students parking their cars poorly or even allow students to pour their hearts out anonymously. For some, these “gag” Instagram accounts are good fun for students on campus and spice things up. For others, they are menaces; poison pen authors that make students worry if they will be the next student “caught lacking.”

Since the beginning of this semester, the Trinibonian has been on a mission to unmask the masterminds behind five of Trinity’s most notorious Instagram accounts: @trinityubadparking, @fictionaltugreeklife, @tu.missedconnections, @tu.love.letters, and @theoniontrinity. The investigation plunged into the seedy underbelly of Trinity, and to uncover these incredibly well-kept secrets, multiple fake identities were used. Shocking discoveries were made when the masterminds behind these accounts were identified. One thing is for certain — you may think differently about some people on campus after this.

First up is @trinityubadparking, an account that pokes fun at poor parking jobs often seen on campus. The mastermind behind this account was unveiled to be Mike Hunt, sophomore women and gender studies (WAGS) and finance double-major. Hunt said he often walks around campus two hours before his workout to find cars that are poorly parked. He said his favorite pastime is guessing who the bad parkers are in Mabee each night during dinner.

“The parking outside of Mabee is really bad, like maybe the worst parking I’ve ever seen. I like to look at the cars and imagine what kind of person is parked there. I almost always guess a straight dude since, as a WAGS student, I know it’s super reductive to make fun of how women park,” Hunt said.

The mastermind behind @fictionaltugreeklife, the account that matches Trinity’s very own sororities and fraternities to well-known characters from shows like “Gossip Girl” and movies like “High School Musical,” was revealed to be none other than Willison Frown, Trinity’s assistant director for Fraternity & Sorority Life. Frown knows each sorority and fraternity better than most students, so this revelation may bring more viewers to flock to this Instagram in the near future.

“Why not mix a little work and play?” Frown said. “Both students involved in Greek life at Trinity and those who aren’t get a chuckle from my posts. This account emphasizes pre-existing stereotypes here at Trinity and will be a wonderful sourcebook for incoming freshmen.”

Next up is @tu.missedconnections, an account that encourages students to DM confessions they have regarding fellow students. The mastermind behind this account was unveiled to be Remi Frown, associate vice president for student life and dean of students. As per his job, Remi does his best to make deep connections throughout campus. This account shows how Remi goes above and beyond to “serve students as they manage academic, personal, social, and emotional issues and concerns.”

“At Trinity, I like to bring students together in more ways than one and give different students a boost of confidence every day,” said Frown. “Sometimes, I go undercover at Greek life parties to ‘unintentionally’ pair students together. I do my best to make sure love is in the air all year long so that I can see students return to get married at the chapel.”

After discovering the brain behind @tu.love.letters was spreadsheet modeling professor Jamers Maxemar, members of the Trinibonian were surprised they had yet to see cheesy dad jokes on this account every morning. When asked about his interest in starting the account, Maxemar took the opportunity to share a joke.

“Do you mind if I tell a dad joke? First, what does a baby computer call his father? Data. Ha Ha. Okay, what was the question again? Oh yes, when not using Excel, I like to see what nice things students have to say about one another … young love is so special,” Maxemar said.

Though Maxemer revealed he runs the reboot account of the OG TU Love Letters, when asked who his predecessor was, he said that it was a secret he would never tell.

The last account to reveal is @theoniontrinity, a social media account that publishes reliable, yet jaw-dropping news. Rolanda Flor, the rambunctious lady at Mabee who wakes everyone up with her loud ‘good morning,’ was heard saying, “It is only right for students to know the truth about those around them. If you are gossiping out loud at Mabee, you better expect someone is listening … and if not, I sure am.”

Since this account must be run by someone who hears all the tea, it is no surprise that our mastermind is someone who sees all. Flor’s last words were, “Happy Hump Daaaaaaay! Now don’t everyone stop stirring the pot at Mabee … I live for collecting these juicy stories.”