This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here.

The Trinibonian newsroom has a certain reputation for being far away, dark and slightly dingy. Tucked downstairs past the equally dingy Tiger’s Den, dusty old bar, and now defunct mailboxes is what many newspaper staff over the decades have called “the Dungeon.”

Eventually, as in multiple years from now, the newspaper and yearbook might have a new space. However, the journalism spirits that haunt the Campus Publication rooms at night are getting a little too scary for us to handle when we walk through the darkened Tiger’s Den at 3 a.m. every Wednesday. Instead of howling like normal ghosts, they’ve begun taunting us, saying things like “no one reads the Arts & Entertainment section” and “imagine if you had prior review.” *shudder*

To fundraise for a new journalism wing, the Trinibonian staff will be leaning into our spooky side. Starting next Wednesday during our production night, the newsroom will be transformed into the Haunted Dungeon. For only $10 and the agreement that you’ll take 50 papers from 2017 off our hands, you can enter a newsroom full of frights, such as:

The Oxford Comma (played by Bean Bach) — Can you handle the ultimate AP Style nightmare? This petrifying punctuation mark will get you where you least expect it in a newsroom, popping out to shiver your timbers only in between the second and third frights you encounter.

The Open Refrigerator (played by our refrigerator) — While the light shining through the darkness from the fridge might entice you, there are no snacks waiting for you here. Instead, fall under the trance of the drawer full of water and floating ketchup packets until the smells of old lettuce and a moldy iced coffee send you running.

The Door Alarm (played by Bam Bauvin) — Not to be confused with the actual door alarm that goes off when the door to the Tiger’s Den is left open. One talented editor will hit you with the element of surprise, coming up from behind to screech repeated high-pitch tones in your ear. Get the true ambiance of a late night in the dungeon with this ASMR experience.

The Carnivorous Printer (played by Campus Blue) — Cosplay being a Trinibonian editor by retrieving a page from the printer for edits. But wait, the printer is jammed! You are now tasked with sticking your entire arm inside the dark abyss that is our printer to find the jam. Suddenly, you hear grinding noises as you’re shoulder deep. Is the first draft of the Sports section worth a makeshift amputation? Up to you.

The Clock (played by Balejandra Berlach) — Before you can leave the Haunted Dungeon, you must first make it past the final boss: the clock reading 2 a.m. This is the terrifying threshold all who enter the newsroom on production night must cross. Beware late-night delirium; hold onto your senses and do your best to make it out before the clock strikes 3.