This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here https://trinitonian.com/category/special-sections/

Lately, one news story has been breaking the internet: Einstein Bros. Bagels’ uncertain future after a family feud which resulted in the dramatic reveal of the company’s true masterminds. While details are still hazy, Trinity students have been quick to form their own opinions on the topic.

The main question on people’s minds surrounds why the company is in trouble in the first place. The brothers have been quiet regarding this matter and are attempting to keep their family life private, but that has not stopped students from speculating. Asi Ago, freshman political science major, has a few ideas of his own.

“The brothers are definitely fighting because they’re so different. I heard that Ed’s the more creative type while Alphonse is super analytical. I guess that’s benefitted them so far but when you get so successful, thinking in different ways starts to take its toll,” Ago said. “They’re probably disagreeing more and getting annoyed with each other. Plus, one of them has got to be mom’s favorite and the other is salty.”

Einstein Bros. Bagels was founded in 1995 by a restaurant corporation called Boston Market in an attempt to monopolize the bagel industry in the United States. The company bought out various small bagel shops and rebranded them as Einstein Bros Bagels. At least, this was the widely accepted history up until early March, when the truth was unveiled. The real brains behind the bagel shop were not Boston Market executives, but two brothers named Ed and Alphonse Einstein. This fact was successfully kept under wraps since the founding of the chain, but the cover story has since fallen apart in light of the siblings’ bad blood and threats to split up the company without explanation.

One popular theory is that the brothers have differing ideas on how to move forward with the company, and might even split into two different chains. Pumper Nickel, senior political science major, shared his thoughts on this take.

“The brothers are definitely having a hard time agreeing on what direction to take the company in,” Nickel said. “I saw some TikTok videos mentioning that their parents were divorced and they both grew up in different houses. That had to have made their opinions on things a little different, you know?”

Others hold the opinion that the company still has the potential to recover. A few students have taken the liberty to dig into the company’s finances and profit trends, which have led students like Blue Berry, junior business major, to feel optimistic.

“A lot of news articles I’ve read say that Einstein’s is going bankrupt because gourmet bagel shops keep popping up everywhere, but I don’t think that’s true,” said Berry. “There aren’t that many gourmet bagel shops so it doesn’t make sense that they’re outcompeting Einstein’s. Also, profits have been pretty steady this year.”

Jala Peño, sophomore finance major, shared that she is most excited to get two different versions of the chain. While many believe the idea of splitting into two is too complicated to become a reality, Peño holds out hope.

“I mean it is pretty upsetting that Einstein’s might split into two shops on campus. I don’t even want to imagine having two different, massive lines at Einstein’s when I’m trying to get to class on time. But also, having two different Einsteins’ could be really cool, especially if they’re splitting it up based on sweet and savory like some people have been saying they will,” Peño said.

Of course, the theories don’t stop there and a majority of remaining opinions range from general disappointment to conspiracy theories. Some students have enjoyed tracking celebrity opinions on the situation and discussing them in school-sponsored club meetings.

“As president of the Elon Musk fan club here on campus, last week I made the topic of our meeting his tweet about opening an Einstein’s in the International Space Station. Musk said he anticipates huge popularity among astronauts that are sick of space food and the club members are pretty much all in favor of it too,” said sophomore computer science major Ses Ame.