This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here. 

Have you ever noticed the LED lights illuminating the Murchison Tower late at night? Or maybe even wondered about the real reason the Tower Climb has been canceled these last two years? Well, as of this year, Handy Danderson, former president of Trinity University, has finally admitted to the secret the tower conceals.

“The University is a place where we celebrate our differences and share pride in our individualism,” said Danderson in his recent student address. “This is why I must share with you all that I have a passion for gaming and have built a gaming set-up inside Murchison Tower.”

Murchison Tower was built with skyline views in mind. Standing at over 160 feet, the tower has been home to unparalleled sights of the city surrounding the University since 1964. Since then, freshman students were allowed to trek up the tower and join in on the Trinity tradition of the tower climb. In 2021, however, the tradition hit a standstill when “falling debris” allegedly caused the tower to be shut down.

Borgia Swagton, junior business major and architecture minor, has an acute interest in the tower and its use. She, alongside a group of four other students, conducted a series of land surveys around the tower, even using X-ray machines (courtesy of the biology department) to survey the inside to see what the real damage is.

“I don’t know who convinced everybody that Murchison Tower is crumbling, but let me be the first to tell you that is certainly not the case,” Swagton said. “We could only see a little bit into the tower, but what we saw was more shocking than the drone squad reveal.”

Swagton explained that it appeared as though the uppermost level of the tower had been padded with acoustic foam and fitted with LED lights. Since this discovery, concern has swept across campus as students and staff come to terrifying conclusions about the possible purpose of the room.

Several students have shared their opinions via posts on the infamous social media account, “TU Snaps.” The most prevalent ideas have been those sharing concern about the LED lights being red during the later hours of the night.

Bibien Stanley, freshman math major and computer science minor, has been the first eyewitness to the activity surrounding the tower.

“I usually leave CSI [Las Vegas] pretty late, so I’m always walking back to the dorm by the time the LEDs are on,” Stanley said. “I think I even saw that other president, Danderson, unlock the gate once. He looked, I don’t know, excited?”

Danderson, following concerned emails from the student body, has come forward with a campus-wide announcement regarding the purpose of the secret room. Murchison tower is now not only home to the highest point on the Trinity skyline, but also the official gaming room of the university’s 19th president, Handy Danderson.

“I did the Tower Climb for the first time a few months before my inauguration. The moment I got to the top, I fell in love with the view. And I realize staff and students may judge me, but it has always been my dream to game in my own penthouse, and, well, this is the closest I could get to that,” Danderson said.

Although Danderson said he was embarrassed by the news of his gaming room being exposed, he now walks around campus proudly.

“After Beastly’s [Banessa ‘The Beast’ Beastly, current university president] inauguration, I felt free, and all I wanted to do was log back in,” Danderson said. “I’m trying to get back up to Radiant this season and I’m not going to get there if I’m not playing consistently.”

When students returned from spring break, Danderson was seen entering the tower nightly in a red jersey. He said his setup in Murchison Tower has opened him to new gaming opportunities. He’s even a part of a popular E-Sports Organization ([SEN] Sentinels), and now streams competitions from inside the tower.

“I love it, man. I feel like I finally found my purpose in life, playing alongside the Valorant team and crushing Cloud 9,” Danderson said. “Ever since I joined, my teammate and best buddy, Unwell, and I have just clicked. We carried the team to the World Championship, and will probably carry them even further.”

When we tried to get a statement from Danderson’s close online friend, [SEN] Unwell, he refused further comments when we brought up his friendship with Danderson.

“Dogwater,” was all Unwell had to share after our initial introductions.

**For those interested in the specs of Danderson’s set-up, he has a new email open to answer any questions [email protected] (you will be emailed a complete list of specs if you reach out via this email)**