This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here. 

Bruce Thomas Residence Hall has come under the immediate acquisition of the Secure, Contain, Protect Foundation (SCP) after a recent evaluation. Effective immediately, the building is to be referred to only as SCP-1869. While the foundation assures that this extensive change should not significantly impact living conditions, there are several things residents should know to ensure their safety and comfort.

The SCP Foundation is tasked with keeping various dangerous entities from the rest of the world. Their methods are highly classified and utilize state-of-the-art technology to keep the anomalies from causing harm. Because SCP-1869 will continue to be used as a residential hall, students for the first time ever have the opportunity to see SCP’s work up close. SCP declined to comment on the reason for acquiring SCP-1869.

Evaluations began over winter break. Over the weeks that followed, the foundation remotely monitored SCP-1869’s behavior closely. Emily Halloran, SCP senior field researcher who specializes in, per her own words, “bio-architecture,” detailed some of the steps SCP was taking to deal with the acquisitioned dormitory.

“While SCP-1869 is not a high-risk facility, the foundation does not advise any attempt at transportation or demolition. Instead, we have purchased SCP-1869 in order to ensure its proper containment and the safety of its inhabitants,” Halloran said.

Though Halloran declined to comment on why SCP-1869 specifically had garnered the foundation’s attention, some students have speculated the reasoning to have something to do with the history of unexplained phenomena the building has experienced over the years.

“First there’s the rat problem, but everyone knows about that,” Sandy Sandler-Meyer, sophomore physics major, said. “The elevators also make loud scraping noises and red stuff leaks out of the vents. And don’t get me started on the rampant mold.”

“SCP-1869’s activity is not a concern for us,” Chet Bianca, director of residential life, said. “We were informed that there would be no significant change with our own operations in regards to the Foundation. Business will be conducted as normal without many prominent changes.”
To prevent further distress and confusion from residents, the SCP foundation provided specific guidelines to follow while residing within SCP-1869:

Do’s:
-Remain calm.
-Report any anomalous sounds you hear to Residential Life.
-Remember your designated time to open your balcony door.
-Exit the building and contact Residential Life if you witness any of the following:
-Air ducts leaking red fluid
-Three rats standing in a corner, looking at the ceiling
-Uneven protruding drywall
-An open balcony door

Don’ts:
-Do not touch the hallway walls of SCP-1869 with bare skin.
-Do not drink unfiltered tap water from SCP-1869.
-Do not utilize the balconies. Only use them for your designated time. Do not open the balcony doors at a time outside of your time.

Current residents of SCP-1869 have been adapting to their new situation, however strange the process has been. Samantha Michel, sophomore computer science major, offered her thoughts on the guidelines.

“It’s pretty weird, to be honest, but I’m glad Trinity’s finally doing something about our hall,” Michel said. “I still don’t really understand the point of the doors, but I’ve heard rumors about them upheaving the entire air conditioning unit or something so maybe this is just a temporary requirement.”

Other students expressed their concerns about the situation.

“I’d like them to fix the mold problem at least,” Anthony McLean, sophomore physics major, said. “My allergies have gotten worse now that I’m back. It’s hard to breathe in my dorm. The only time I feel relief is when the doors are open, like a wave of fresh air entering my lungs.”

“As an RA here, I’ve seen a lot of weird stuff,” Basil Temple, senior communications major, said. “I can’t say too much, but I have to check in with my residents. And the other day I was checking up with one, we agreed on meeting in their dorm room, but when I came in I saw them standing on their balcony, door wide open, just … staring over the horizon. When I finally caught their attention, they turned slowly around with an expression I can only describe as … unreadable. They told me they weren’t feeling well and I took them to Health Services, and as far as I know, they’re still there. Health Services said they would be OK, but I don’t know for sure. I’m worried.”

The foundation reported in its acquisition announcement that future renovation plans for SCP-1869 include ergonomic ventilation, steel-chromium walls, and automatic timed door sequences. Halloran assured that such procedures are a natural step in “bio-architectural fortification,” and “should not impede daily life.”

Lightner Hall is reportedly unaffected.