This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here.

The campus bookstore should consider a release of a brand-new and sought-after commodity: body pillows, made in the likeness of our mascot, LeeRoy. This body pillow should be designed to commemorate Trinity’s storied and venerable history, as well as the Trinity superstition which promotes spending time with LeeRoy prior to important tests to absorb some of his knowledge. The reason for Trinity’s survival until today is due, in large part, to LeeRoy’s heroism, and it’s time that these actions be honored — in body-pillow form.

Prior to LeeRoy’s institution as our official campus mascot, he actually lived on campus. This plucky tiger was being housed on campus for observation purposes by a variety of veterinary, zoology, and environmental science students. LeeRoy had been housed on campus for upwards of three years at this point, and his activities were closely monitored by the chief of police, Dewey Chee, as well as his cousin, professional lion tamer Teman D’Howe. LeeRoy developed incredibly close relationships with a variety of on-campus students. One of these students, freshman Jake Mayer, described his presence in the 469th edition of the Trinitonian as being “fluffy, soft, and so kind, similar to a pillow you’d sleep with.” Thus, the idea of a LeeRoy body pillow arose.

LeeRoy proceeded to be an incredibly comforting presence across campus, and legend has it that he even protected Trinity from a horrific robbery. This crime was unfortunately of a more violent nature, and it almost cost us a highly valued life: that of Dewey Chee. Chee would later rise through the ranks to become Trinity’s third president, and arguably the most important one. His time as president is remembered most fondly as the one which greenlit the introduction of infamous Trinicats, who serve as loyal agents to the FBI.

Many students have denoted LeeRoy’s protection as “God-like,” or “Omnipotent.” On nights during midterms, similar to how University of Houston students rub their mascot’s toes, I usually complete my studying outside William H. Bell Athletic Center, sitting at the feet of LeeRoy. I’ve never failed a test after having invoked the power of LeeRoy, and it would be much easier to generate his benevolent influence on my grades from the comfort of my own room. In fact, should LeeRoy be made in the body-pillow form, I would argue that if he slept on the bed while I slept on the floor, perhaps some of his knowledge would be bestowed upon me as I slept. It would certainly make accounting easier.

Some students would argue that LeeRoy body pillows are unnecessary, some going so far as to assert that their sheer presence is “awkward.” These opinions are obviously made by students who have never utilized LeeRoy’s intelligence in preparing for their examinations, therefore violating the colloquial phrase: “study smarter, not harder.” Of course, it’s a hard pill to swallow. How can a tiger, of all creatures, possibly enrich our learning experience? Also, if these supposed legends happened like 100 years ago, why should we honor him now? Why should I give up my bed for a body pillow?

While these inquiries are understandable, they’re also cynical, faithless, and just sad. In the mid-1900s, a study was conducted by Trinity students which proved that students who studied by LeeRoy’s statue performed better on exams than students who did not. This study is also open to skepticism, but I question the individuals who make this claim. What good is it to sit back and doubt the protector of Trinity, when you can put your concerns aside and believe in his power, believe in the words of Trinity’s alumni? To trust in LeeRoy has no negatives, but if it does work, you could be so much better off.

Listen to the people who have already survived this university: advocate for LeeRoy body pillows to be sold on campus, and purchase them once they’re available. I would also recommend picking up a couple extra for family members, as well as a mini edition for the on-the-go.