You don’t have to smile through an uncomfortable situation for the sake of someone else’s convenience. Toxic positivity refers to putting up a facade of happiness in any situation or suppressing any anxiety or unhappiness in favor of surface-level positivity. This phenomenon surged over the pandemic, especially on social media, where we saw celebrities tell us to find a silver lining while they sat in their multimillion-dollar homes. This mindset of smiling through the pain is unnecessary and even harmful, especially in the context of relationships. It can keep you from communicating what makes you uncomfortable and setting necessary boundaries.
Oftentimes, toxic positivity leads us to overly accommodate others and avoid setting boundaries. Boundaries are essential to your own mental health and the success of your relationships, whether they be with friends, family or a partner. They draw a line between what is and isn’t an acceptable way to behave around you. Oftentimes, we hesitate to set boundaries with others so as not to upset them, in fear that they will start liking us less and spending less time with us. Many find themselves people-pleasing at their own expense or convincing themselves that others’ behavior is okay when it isn’t. Research shows that being accommodating to others all the time leads to a slew of mental health consequences.
In reality, acting positive and helpful when you don’t have the capacity to do so can do far more harm than good. Recognize that you can’t fix everyone’s problems. Those who matter will not think less of you for setting boundaries and having emotional limits.
Three key stepping stones for setting boundaries are self-awareness, communication and assertiveness. First, consciously consider how much time you have to spend with someone, what you are OK with sharing with them and what is not OK for them to share with you. Then, communicate those limits in a polite way. This can look like:
“I can only stay for an hour.”
“Please ask me before using my things.”
“I don’t feel comfortable talking about this right now.”
“I don’t have the energy to help you right now, but this resource may help.”
Recommunicate and uphold these boundaries regularly with assertiveness, updating them when necessary and letting go of relationships where your wishes are being constantly challenged. If your friend or partner can’t respect your boundaries, the relationship isn’t worth having in the long run.
Finally, take time for yourself so that you can recuperate and focus on your own well-being. It’s OK to be a little selfish sometimes. We have an epidemic of anxiety and depression, so taking care of yourself is becoming increasingly important. Self-care can look like prioritizing sleep above overworking, keeping a gratitude journal or sipping a relaxing cup of tea in the mornings. Taking care of yourself improves mental health and improves your relationships, giving you more energy to dedicate to others.
Overall, staying positive all the time and letting others cross lines that are important to you takes a huge toll on your well-being in the long run. Setting and upholding clear boundaries while taking some time to yourself each day to recuperate can greatly improve the quality of your relationships, both with others and with yourself.
