TV, movie and book characters quickly become our friends from the moment we learn their stories. Our comfort shows and characters get us through the hard times and celebrate with us during the happy ones. We quote them constantly, use their philosophies (for example Parks and Rec’s Donna and Tom’s “Treat yo’self”), wear them on our T-shirts and maybe even get tattoos in their honor. It’s no wonder that when an actor passes away, we feel as if one of our own heroes or friends has died.
But it’s in moments like these that we have to remember that these “characters” are actual people, too. Recently, the world has been mourning the loss of Matthew Perry, widely known for his sarcastic “Friends” character Chandler Bing. But, in our remembrances, some have neglected to even say that it was Perry that we lost. Instead, people have latched onto Chandler, only remembering his “Friends” character instead of acknowledging Perry’s openness about and important work on alcohol and drug addiction.
After being prescribed painkillers in 1997, Perry became addicted and began to abuse opioids and alcohol. Throughout his struggle, he had been to rehab 15 times and had more than 14 surgeries to correct the damage done to his stomach. Perry vulnerably details all of the ups and downs of his fight to get and stay sober in his book, “Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing.” By opening up about his addiction at a time when he was sober, Perry showed that change was difficult but possible.
While he struggled with his disease, Perry was committed to spending time helping people with theirs. He lobbied for long-term treatment in drug courts and opened up a sober house. Helping people get sober was a glimmer of hope in Perry’s tumultuous life, and he was gracious enough to share with the public to help even more people.
Perry’s work on “Friends” obviously did not make up the entirety of him, but was a part of a larger whole that made up the man that he was. While most of us did not know him personally, it’s completely fine that we mourn him, we just have to recognize that, unfortunately, Chandler wasn’t the only man to pass away. What we really lost was a flawed but generous man, who tried his best to help the people struggling with addiction, the same disease he knew all too well.
As a society, we sometimes overextend our reach and feel entitled to the personal details of celebrities’ lives. While celebrities are open enough to share more parts of themselves with us than the average person, society is greedy and wants to know deeply private information about celebrities — in Perry’s case, the details of his death. This is deeply disturbing considering that most of this curiosity comes from a place of wanting to find out something unusual or out of place about his death.
Prying into the death or speculating on the unconfirmed gossip about Perry’s life is the antithesis of loving and honoring him. We must separate our curiosity from our love of this man and his work, otherwise it hurts his memory even more.
When a beloved person dies, it’s a good idea to pay attention to how they wish to be memorialized. Perry fans know that what he most wanted to be remembered for was his assisting people with their addictions. So while we may know and love Perry as Chandler, when we talk about him in these sad days after his death, let’s try to remember the giving man that he was, not just the one he played.
