This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here

Aries:
You will trip down Cardiac Hill in front of your crush and your opp, and though you won’t be hurt, your pride will be.

Taurus:
You will stub your toe on the corner of the table in a class on Tuesday and accidentally curse loudly.

Gemini:
You will step in some type of poop wearing your nice shoes and won’t notice until the end of the day.

Cancer:
There will be something in your teeth during a presentation for a class. You won’t be told until after class.

Leo:
Your shoes will have a hole in them, which you won’t know about. You will step into a puddle that gets your socks wet.

Virgo:
There will be a rock in your shoe but you can’t get it out for the longest time.

Scorpio:
Your alarm won’t work and you’ll be late or miss your first class in the morning.

Sagittarius:
The hot drink you ordered at Starbucks will burn the roof of your mouth, and you won’t be able to taste food for a week.

Capricorn:
Someone will try to cut you off on the road, but the traffic is going faster than the person cutting you off and you have to slow down.

Aquarius:
Your phone will die and you won’t have the right charger. No one around you has the right one either.

Pisces:
You will lose one of your socks in the laundry despite double-checking the dryer and washer.