This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here
If you didn’t already know, starting in the fall semester, Trinibonian will be switching to an artificially intelligent staff. I’ve gotten a lot of questions about this. “How do you expect AI to know what’s going on at Trinity;” “What if AI misquotes us;” “What will happen to our jobs?” Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh. Not that any of you deserve it, but I’m here to clear the air. We have our many reasons; let me explain it for your little baby brains.
Most importantly, AI is the new — and the most reliable — journalist. It’s all knowing. We all use it for our essays and emails, and we’ve never gotten caught, have we? It works perfectly, and it’s perfect for journalism too. Fox San Antonio and News4SA are already doing it, and they have it down. Thanks to the AI writer at the Sinclair Broadcast Group, they wrote and quoted Trinitonian perfectly. We’re just keeping up with the times.
It’s also the most available journalist. It can go anywhere; it can conduct interviews at any time. I know everyone — sources and Trinibonian journalists alike — are sick and tired of interviews, especially the back and forth of having to set one up. AI takes this away. You can speak to it anytime and anywhere, and soon, you probably won’t even have to speak. It’ll just read your thoughts and tell us what you want to say!
As for the misquoting, who cares? You want to look good in articles, don’t you? AI handles that; it’s just fixing up your words. Anything you say, AI can say better. It’ll just make sure your words are more concise and readable, and that’s what journalism is all about anyway. It always keeps the meaning the same. It’s not going to make you say the opposite of what you did, and if it does, you can take it up with the AI that wrote it. It’ll go in and fix it right back up.
Trinibonian is all about speed, too, and AI can write in seconds. You’ll get your news almost immediately, without all the chaos, inefficiency, and uselessness of five different people looking over and editing an article. AI just spits it out, and boom, it’ll be up. Win-win for us and for our readers.
And finally, for all you whiny Trinibonian staff: We’re only going to be hiring programmers, a grand total of two of them. To put it simply, you won’t be getting your jobs back, and that’s not our fault. Like I said, we’re keeping up with the times. The humanities offers nothing to the world, even without AI. And now AI can just do it better. You should’ve gone into coding like everyone told you to. That or be the child of a millionaire.
Our reasons are endless, but here’s a big one: We know you don’t care. You want your easy-to-read slop that you can criticize without it getting back to anyone. And honestly, we don’t care either. You can’t blame us anymore. Enjoy your news, you ingrates.
