This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here
Amidst a new series of drug trials on rats in the neuroscience department, the rats have been putting together “raves” and “parties” after being injected with copious amounts of cocaine and alcohol. However, I argue that the rat raves indicate a greater, far more complex ethical issue with pharmaceutical research and animal cruelty.
After being caught in the act by an anonymous student who was up late studying for midterms, the rats have been seen vomiting, getting into fights, and attempting to break into the chemistry labs for more drugs. Associate professor Jerken Doff and his fellow students have been conducting experiments to inspect the social behavior of the rats in group settings under the influence of various substances. The rats have reportedly broken out and begun seeking a new “scene” not curated by humans. Many neuroscience majors argue that the substances themselves are the issue, rather than the act of euthanizing and keeping the rats in cages. The neuroscience department is now threatening to take the drugs away from the rats.
However, the rat raves themselves are not necessarily a bad thing. The rats have had virtually no effect on the human population outside of being slightly distracting during late-night study hours. I fully support and advocate for the rats’ right to party, as well as their right to protest against STEM students. Raving or not, this sheds a bright light on the torture the rats have had to endure.
We must separate the rats from the heinous acts of torture endured at the hands of the STEM department. Numerous anonymous sources have indicated that the rats are being tortured and emotionally abused in behavioral pharmaceutical research. As a result, we now observe an outbreak of raves that serve as a way of coping with confinement and protesting the ethics of the Trinity STEM department.
The rat raves are groundbreaking and must not be ignored. This protest is against the neuroscience department’s unfair treatment of animals in research. Think about when you snuck out of your parents’ house in high school to go to a party on a Thursday when you had an exam the next day. It’s the same mentality. The primary difference is that the rats are confined in what might be compared to a jail cell.
We need to understand that through this rebellion, we can see that what we are doing to these rats is completely unethical. I suggest that to give the rats the proper care they need, we enroll them in addiction treatment, as well as provide them with an environment that aligns with their physical and social needs. They should never have been cornered into these studies, and raves are an inevitable consequence as the rats struggle to find a way to cope. Proper housing, access to medical care, and respect are rights that must be upheld for these beautiful, undervalued creatures.
