The perfect costume

So, Halloween’s coming up, and I still don’t have a costume.  For the past three years, Target has faithfully stocked a certain costume, which I have kept my eye on.  For these past three years, I have been watching this costume and secretly planning my eventual use of this costume.  It was perfect – all I’ve ever wanted in a costume.  Red, silver, blue, made for someone small.  It was a rocket ship costume, designed specifically for toddlers.  It was perfect for me.  This year was the year I was finally going to buy that costume and be that rocket ship.  It was going to be perfect.

Except it wasn’t there.  Apparently, this year is the year they decided to stop selling it.  Wow, thanks Target, you’re a big help, thanks a lot, I really appreciate it.  First they stopped selling the cheese straws, and now this?  Target, I have never felt so betrayed in my life.  I thought we were friends.  I mean, sure, I could just buy the rocket ship costume online, and part of me is tempted to do so, however, I am overall unwilling to go that far for the sole purpose of completing a long-planned joke.

But still, that leaves me with quite the problem.  I’ve been planning this joke for so long that now I’m left with pretty much nothing, no ideas, no costume, nothing.  I am at a complete loss as to what I will do.  Will I go out and buy another costume at the last minute?  Will I just be nothing, as usual?  Will I just put on a lot of eyeliner and claim to be Marilyn Manson (again)?  I don’t know!

And here lies my problem: I have absolutely no idea what to dress up as.  Yeah, I COULD just buy another costume, but I honestly don’t feel like it.  There’s no guarantee that any of the costumes out there are funny enough for me to be able to justify spending money on anyway.  Furthermore, any dumb jokes I come up with at this point are just going to fall flat, as none of them can beat the perfect image that I have formed in my mind of a way-too-small rocket ship costume. Also, I’m just way too lazy to go to the store.

Most likely, I’ll probably just not dress up as anything again this year.  But that’s what gets me!  I want to wear a costume and look silly, but at the same time I’m a lazy piece of garbage who doesn’t want to exert any effort in order to actually obtain a costume.  It’s so horrible, like the universe itself is mocking me!  Whatever shall I do?  Well, I’ll sit around and complain about it, of course.

Lauren Schroeter is junior majoring geology and religion.