Who to root for: A totally serious guide for the Superbowl


If you are like a majority of Americans, you will be tuning in to CBS at 5:30 p.m. this Sunday for Super Bowl 50.

Whether you are a die hard football junkie, fiending for that sweet, sweet relief only buffalo sauce and drunken screams can produce, or a total football novice, the Super Bowl is a cultural event that should be enjoyed by all.

That being said, this preview is for you non-football fans. Those of you who will be dragged by your friends or significant others only to look forward to Beyonce at halftime and some nauseatingly cute animals during commercial breaks.

In order to go into the Super Bowl with a team to root for, we will break down the most important match-ups of Sunday.

Mascot Showdown: Bronco vs. Panther

Let’s say that you were to be in some strange clearing in the Amazon and (at a safe distance) out leapt a magnificent, raven-haired panther, muscles pulsing, eyesablaze.

On the cutting jungle breeze you pick up the smell of determination and a sharp-edged desire to kill emanating from the prodigious beast before your eyes.

When suddenly, out from the vines and mire leaps a heavenly steed. The bronco with a snow-like coat and a maine of dazzling orange seems fit only for some new-born God. An ear-piercing whinny gives view of the voracious chompers masked beneath the protruding jowl of the beast.

In all honestly, at this point you would probably either flee in terror or pull out your iphone and try to get the whole fight on your Snap Story before becoming distracted wondering why the Amazon doesn’t have its own geo-filter.

Who wins this battle?

I will let your imagination be the judge but I will remind you that the actual Denver mascot is some guy wearing a Broncos jersey with a demonic horse head mounted on his shoulders and the panther is pretty chubby and generally kind of adorable rather than intimidating.

Swagger of the Quarterback

OK, admit it. If you are not an actual football fan, you have probably only heard of two of the players bearing down on the gridiron this Sunday: Peyton Manning of the Denver Broncos and Cam Newton of the Carolina Panthers.

In order for you to have a favorite, I will list out some of the pros for each here.

Peyton Manning:

“”Looks like he could be a math professor.

“”Probably would be voted most likely to make a “dad joke” in high school.

“”Is sponsored by a pizza, company meaning he has won at life.

“”Went to a college whose mascot is the Volunteer.

“”Is known for the imprint left on his rather large forehead after he removes his helmet

“”Could probably be found tinkering with his lawnmower on his off days.

“”Is one of the best quarterbacks to have ever played the game.

Cam Newton:

“”Looks like maybe the nicest young man you have ever met.

“”Is nicknamed Superman…so there’s that.

“”Known for his prolific end-zone dances despite not being cast in the live version of Grease.

“”Gives every touchdown ball to a kid in the stands.

“”Read that last point again for added effect.

“”Is one of the best football players in the entire league at the moment.

Would you rather:

If you are still undecided about who are going to root for I implore you to read through the following questions and let your answers be your guiding light

  1. Would you rather live in snow and smoke filled Denver, Colorado or in the forests of Charlotte, North Carolina?
  2. Which color combo would better fit your current ensemble (that’s a thing, right?)? Black and sky blue or orange and navy blue?
  3. When at Mabee do you find yourself disappointed at the lack of hay as a food option? What about the raw meat of small jungle animals?
  4. Are you someone who loves all things vintage (read: old) or anything new and sparkly?
  5. Which excuse would you rather use to get an extension from a professor: A bronco was neighing outside your dorm all night and kept you awake, or ResLife replaced your current roommate with a panther?

I hope this guide has helped you pick a team for the big game this Sunday. May the bandwagon of whatever decision you make take you to glory. (Oh and go Broncos!)