I was touring Trinity as a prospective student when a former coach of my father had just passed away. As we sat in Laurie Auditorium, my dad chuckled, then explained he was reading an email chain in which Texas A&M track alumni were sharing memories of their late coach.

“Come out of the blocks and let gravity pull you up,” my father read with a laugh.

Coaches, like all humans, say things. In fact, a big part of coaching is talking. And coaches, like all humans, say things that are funny. In making the men’s soccer roster video, I had each player hold up a favorite quote from head coach Paul McGinlay. Over his 27-year tenure at Trinity, McGinlay has gathered up quite an arsenal of quotes and catchphrases. This inspired me to look into funny things said by other coaches for this edition of my Laughletics series.

Men’s soccer was an obvious place to begin. In the opinion of senior Cooper Fyfe, the funniest statement uttered by the legendary P-Mac was a savage stinger regarding an opposing player. 

“He turns like the Titanic.”

“” Paul McGinlay, men’s soccer head coach

Provided by Cooper Fyfe, senior midfielder

Meanwhile, senior women’s soccer player Abby Tisdale shared a favorite saying from former head women’s coach Lance Key.

“You’re either pregnant or you’re not pregnant.”

“” Lance Key, former head women’s soccer coach and probably also Paul McGinlay, head men’s soccer coach

Provided by Abby Tisdale, senior midfielder

However, this quote, which is a metaphor for pressuring the offense, can actually be attributed to McGinlay. I assume the saying is something Key picked up in his time playing for McGinlay.

“I think what we are learning is that Paul McGinlay is the only person who says funny things,” said Alice von Ende-Becker, a midfielder for the women’s soccer team.

However, I remained sure I could find quotes from other coaches.

I found said quote in the form of John Tucker. Tucker’s girlfriend is my biggest fan and as such I can only assume she is peeing her pants with love reading his name.

“Man, I really like snacks.”

“” J.C. Bunch, former assistant baseball coach

Provided by John Tucker, junior baseball center fielder 

Upon further investigation, this is not something that Bunch said repeatedly, but I can confirm that the man really does like snacks. Wherever he is now, I hope his life is full of happiness and snacks.

I then went from baseball to men’s tennis, just like I do on my rollerblading route.

“Saturdays are for the boys.”

“” Russ McMindes, head men’s tennis coach

Provided by Clark Rivers, senior tennis player

I am a tad bit skeptical that Russ McMindes was the first person to ever designate the last day of the week as being for the boys, but I am not doubting that he said it. Meanwhile McMindes’ assistant has cooked up his own catchphrase.

“This ain’t your barbecue, this my barbecue now.”

“” George Rivers, assistant men’s tennis coach

Provided by Matt Tyer, senior tennis player

I was already aware that head men’s basketball coach Pat Cunningham, who once stepped on my GoPro in what will go down as one of the greatest moments of my life that happened in Webster’s Gym, was pretty frank with his players, but these quotes sealed the deal.

“You’re so full of s””t your eyes are brown.”

“Judas Priest Almighty!”

“” Pat Cunningham, head men’s basketball coach

Provided by Isaiah Specks, junior forward on the men’s basketball team

From the swim team I learned a frequent reference point is John Ryan’s time in service.

“Back in Vietnam “¦”

“” John Ryan, former head/current assistant swim coach

Provided by Erin Crooks, junior swimmer

Abby Tisdale also provided a quote from current women’s soccer coach, Dylan Harrison.

“Let’s go be slippery out there.”

“” Dylan Harrison, head women’s soccer coach

Provided by Abigail Tisdale, senior midfielder

Women’s soccer’s own Sabrina Pescatore shared a quote neither from Harrison nor from Key, but from her own high school coach.

“You’re running around like a bunch of tampons.”

“” Jenny Richardson, assistant girl’s soccer coach at Georgetown High School

Provided by Sabrina Pescatore, sophomore forward

While I did not ask Sabrina how a tampon runs, I appreciate the metaphor.

Whether or not you are an athlete here at Trinity, if you have a funny quote or story relating to sports, email your girl [email protected] and we can become best friends.