This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here.

Nearing the end of Women’s History Month, Trinity Athletics made a consequential budgetary decision: to defund men’s intercollegiate athletic programs on Trinity’s campus. This decision comes after careful consideration of several factors including the performance of Trinity’s teams and administrative pressure in spite of male athlete/coach protests.

Rob Queen, long-time Trinity Athletic Director, has been working on this budget change for more than three years. He said that the shift in funds was long overdue, stressing the fiscal benefits of the division.

“Trinity is widely known for its volleyball, women’s tennis, and basketball teams. We are proud of their excellence. They have performed consistently well on the national stage while other programs haven’t as much,” Queen said. “It’s about time we start to give them and other women’s teams the funds they deserve to continue their success across the board. Not only that, it’s just fiscally responsible to focus on the best programs.”

Another long-time Trinity administrator and head volleyball coach, Julia Jensen, echoed Queen’s praise for the budgetary decision. After an incredibly successful season as the NCAA DIII National Runner-Ups, Jensen questions why the decision hadn’t been made before.

“I mean, come on. Let my girls put on pads and helmets and they would crush any team they came across, just like they do on the volleyball court — I couldn’t say the same for our boys playing right now,” Jensen said. “When we get this new money, we will invest in better uniforms, longer road trips, and a personal team bus — you know, I just love traveling by bus when we are out on the road.”

When asked about the outer design of the bus, she declined to comment as she shoved aside sketches of the side of a bus plastered with a large likeness of her face.

Not everyone on campus is happy about the changes. Head men’s soccer coach, Saul McGinty, who has been coaching at Trinity for over thirty years like Jensen, said he is at a loss for words.
“I am at a loss for words,” McGinty said with a head shake, “I just really don’t know what to say. What am I going to do after all of these years? I guess I’ll have to go back to Scotland.”

When pressed for more commentary, he said something about the decision being poppycock and then he walked away.

The Speers, one of the university’s most active fraternities in the athletic realm, have had a large role in protesting the decision. There has been a 24/7 rotation of Speers camping outside the William H. Bell Center. Boasting matching signs that say, “Strong and Bold, Men’s Sports Will Not Fold,” Speers members tell the Trinibonian that they are fighting for their right to play.

“We love women’s sports just as much as the next guy. We go to the games and cheer. We LOVE them and especially the players. We just also want to play, you know,” a Speers member who asked to remain anonymous said. “So we are going to stay out here as long as it takes … you know, 3 or 4 years until we have to graduate — oh wait …”

The Speer turned around and asked another Speer what they were going to do if they couldn’t be super seniors and continue to play under NCAA’s rule about members who missed a season due to COVID. All of a sudden, the Speers huddled up, frantically trying to decide their futures without this special exception. By the time I walked away, the Speers were packing up their tents and headed straight to Queen’s office.

Nonetheless, the decision has been made and plans are underway to start converting men’s locker rooms into more gym and weight room space, with state-of-the-art equipment. The softball team is inheriting the newly turfed baseball field. The women’s tennis team released a statement that expressed the excitement of not having to share such limited amount of courts between both teams. The women’s golf team will continue as they have been. But as far as volleyball is concerned, Jensen said she couldn’t be happier.

“I could not be happier. I’ve waited for this for a long time. I won’t have to share the gym or compete for home game audience,” Jensen said. “Who needs men — I mean, men’s sports — am I right?”