This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here. 

When I was named a captain of Swashbucklers for the upcoming school year last week, I knew it was time for radical change. After all, these are truly desperate times due to the failure of our “free substance” hall initiative to curb the cries of “Swashcucklers” by the baseball team being fresh on our minds.

For my first two days, I was panicking, unsure of how to shape the future of our hall and truly redefine what it means to be a Swashbuckler. Then, as I was meditating in front of my many statues of famous pirates that my roommate is too afraid to comment on, the path was suddenly illuminated.

I realized that our efforts to clean up our image were all wrong and that the best way to pave our destiny was by reconnecting with our pirate roots minus the rum and treating our hall like a ship. Therefore, I have decided to increase our enforcement of the substance-free policy and other hall policies by appointing myself as Dictator.

Detractors, such as one of our former captains Willy Tourner, may say that this is barbaric and perhaps the dumbest thing to ever be proposed by the leader of a student organization at any university. While this is a compelling argument, I propose the counterpoint that I have a sword and they do not, which means I win.

This argument was incredibly compelling to my other co-captains, who immediately helped me maroon Tourner in the Susanna Wesley Hall lounge for violating the newfound policy of not telling me what to do. This just goes to show that piracy is a simple and obvious way to increase the unity of our hall. Or else.

Still, the rise of a militant dictator in Myrtle McFarlin Hall may cause recruitment issues. Rest assured, however, that I took this into account. In considering this problem, I decided to again meditate on my pirate roots, and once again I was blessed with the wisdom of Blackbeard and Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

While it is still early in the recruitment process, my new tactics are showing promising results.

One of them, throwing Greek fire at tour groups to direct them to a room where my co-captains force them to put Swashbucklers on their housing surveys at sword point, seems to be working well. Our current projections indicate it will break our sign-up record of six by a factor of 100.

The efficacy of my new policies is also shown by the cheerful compliance of my co-captains. Every day we go through the hallways, belting out “Drunken Sailor” as we knock on the doors of nefarious residents. They like me so much that they look at me constantly with wide eyes, and occasionally gather together in their dorm rooms and talk in hushed tones, presumably about how great of a captain I am.

I could write thousands of words about all of my plans for Swashbucklers this year, but unfortunately, I have matters to attend to. Specifically, my co-captains have called a hall meeting before my planned invasion of North Hall. One of my friends who is a classic major told me it sounds sketchy, but I made them walk the plank for telling me what to do before they could explain why.

Overall, I believe that the changes I have made will make Swashbucklers the envy of every student organization and residence hall on campus, partially because none of them may have any members once my military campaigns have been fully realized. I think the results will speak for themselves, so I look forward to seeing everyone reading this in Myrtle Hall next year after I knock on your door with a sword.