Screw substance-free: Swashbucklers go ‘free-substance’



One of Trinity’s prominent student groups is undergoing a change. The Swashbucklers — known for being militantly substance-free, dressing up like pirates and having entire residence halls to themselves when fraternities can’t even get a few adjacent rooms — have dramatically changed one of their core tenets.

Ima Succor, a senior Swashbuckler and business minor, said, “The decision to change our policy on substances came about because we were trying to grow the club by addressing common criticisms. Specifically, the baseball team would always call us ‘Swashcucklers’ when we walked by the pitch during their practices. We needed to confront our image problem. ”

Realizing the need for change, the Swashbucklers have changed their motto from “substance-free” to “free substances.” The initial period after the change was tough, particularly for those ‘Bucklers who still had reservations. Luckily, the club found a ready-made way to ease these members into a life of casual substance use by attending some talks by campus speakers.

One such speaker was an advocate for opioid awareness brought to campus by Students for Opioid Solutions. During the questioning period, the Swashbucklers asked very detailed questions about the euphoria induced by the drug. This was initially disconcerting to Moonfred Bendt, member of Tigers for Liberty and a co-founder of Students for Opioid Solutions.

“I thought it was in rather poor taste to ask an addict about the effects of opioids. Being called a cuck doesn’t excuse that,” said Bendt, “Every guy in Tigers for Liberty calls every other guy a cuck at least thirty times a day, and we haven’t let it affect our decency or respect for others. Also, shameless plug for our next speaker, Ben Shapiro, who’s coming to campus to give a talk about how being uncomfortable around the gays is the best way to fight political correctness.”

Having swayed their more hesitant members, the Swashbucklers began searching for a steady supply of illicit substances, which was harder than they expected. Lowgee Peeay, a junior Swashbuckler and biology and English double minor, said “We went to some liquor stores but all they had were things called ‘Scotch,’ ‘Tequila’ and ‘Vodka,’ but no alcohol!”

Then, the Swashbucklers realized that there was a well-known supply of illicit drugs on campus: TUPD headquarters. Over time, TUPD’s seizures of sub-milligram traces of weed from Colorado students’ dorm rooms had grown into a large stash.

Take a look at the Swashbuckers’ hall now in complete disarray. photo by ISO Bitch, camera monkey

To get access to the storeroom within the TUPD house, the Swashbucklers — several of whom are majoring in calendar and gender studies — determined that once a year university scheduling overlaps perfectly such that every TUPD officer is at a CopCorn stand for a 30-minute window, leaving the house wide open.

Nobu Zeformee, a first-year Swashbuckler and “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” enthusiast said, “To perform the heist, we put on our stealthiest pirate gear and armed ourselves with our sharpest plastic swords. We entered the empty TUPD house, passing some Delts that had been chained up in the front room for throwing bottles off of T8, got what we came for and left without a trace, like the Legolas actor but in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ where he sneaks up on the British, you know.”

With their freely-obtained supply, the Swashbucklers have been living up to their new motto. At the campus involvement fair, their table eschewed candy for free Adderall and they got more new sign-ups than they’d had in years: six!

They also revamped their annual Haunted Hall concept. Normally, the spooky decorations are extensive, transforming several floors. This year, the Haunted Hall was merely the Swashbuckler dorms as they were before the free-substance lifestyle: clean with lots of board games. Truly terrifying.

Reached for comment as he was leaving Swashbuckler’s hall, rapidly tucking a small plastic bag into his pocket, president Danny Anderson, eyes darting about shiftily, said. “At Trinity, we pride ourselves on providing a liberal arts education that enables our students to expand their horizons and experiment on their minds in remarkable, vaguely ethical ways. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a, uh, delivery for Deneese Jones.”

This is a work of satirical fiction produced for the 2018 issue of the Trinibonian.