This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian.
Last year, I wrote a piece on my initiative to bring positive change to the Swashbucklers through my benevolent iron grip. Shortly after writing it, however, an attempt was made on my life by two of my co-captains, which caused me to doubt my policy decisions.
Fortunately, the astute loyalty of the only co-captain as insane as I am, Joan McWomahon, allowed me to survive and retain my power. After I made the traitors walk the plank off the balcony, leaving them permanently stranded on the air conditioning unit outside, I knew a strategic change was in order.
Initially, I considered demilitarizing Swashbucklers, but after I compulsively and accidentally invaded and took over North and Isabel Halls, I decided to focus on my mental health by not setting unrealistic expectations for myself.
I meditated again on my rapidly expanding collection of famous pirate statues, and suddenly it hit me. If I take over SGA, I’ll be able to protect myself by ruling the Swashbucklers from afar, and most people won’t notice because SGA doesn’t do anything except argue internally over bragging rights and talk shit about the Trinibonian in their group chats anyway.
When I announced the plan to Swashbucklers, it went even better than I could have imagined, as the entire organization unexpectedly mobilized behind me immediately. On our way into Dicke Hall we passed junior Senator Blarrison Blinker putting up flyers in his attempt to win one total vote in the upcoming SGA presidential election, so we took him as a hostage and proceeded into the SGA meeting which was just starting.
As we walked into the meeting with Blinker at swordpoint, we expected our hostage to allow us to take over SGA very quickly. However, we realized it wasn’t working when the senators erupted into cheers. We released Blinker as he exclaimed, “My father will hear about this!” and just turned our swords on everyone else. The senators erupted into mass confusion and terror, spilling their Chipotle burrito bowls all over the floor.
Focar Dagina attempted to cope with the fear by drinking 37 plastic water bottles before immediately leaving to throw them directly into the ocean. Junior Senator Bella Harponit pleaded with us for mercy, saying that it was at one of our events that she had pirate food for the first time. She joined our side after we promised an SGA ice cream machine under my regime, but it didn’t matter anyway because we had swords and they didn’t, so we pretty much won immediately.
After locking President Manny Win in his closet with a mysterious blonde wig and Spurs jersey (which are none of my business), there were no challengers to my rule. McWomahon, who is quickly turning into my personal Marcus Agrippa, put in a funding request for the entire SGA budget which I funded in full, allowing us to begin construction of a massive cannon aimed directly at the University of the Incarnate Word (UIW). Hopefully, the funds this will very voluntarily extract from UIW will bring an era of peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new empire.
As for other orders of business, I have banned SGA inbreeding, as the epidemic of SGAcest relationships has gone on far too long for my tastes. Head Treasurer Comrade Barfis attempted to initiate biological warfare by coughing in my face to protest this policy, but my extensive exposure to the horrors in the Myrtle McFarlin Hall ventilation system have made me immune to all diseases.
I also have issued some money, which I acquired by testing my cannon on the president’s office, to the Trinibonian to become the official propaganda wing of Swashbucklers. I also attempted to incorporate Trinity’s underground conservative publication “The Tower” into our propaganda wing, but I had to “deal with them” because they were just really racist.
Overall, I’m quite pleased with how my dictatorship is going, and I think that, by the time I graduate, Swashbuckler University will be the envy of higher education institutions the world over. After all, in the words of Blackbeard, “They hate us because they ain’t us.” He did actually say that, which you can learn all about once I introduce the new mandatory pirate history major.
