This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian.

Stephanie White, sophomore business major, decided to attend Toilet Paper Department’s (TPD) April 2nd Copcorn event at the Magic Stones since she had never gone before. Two minutes later, she was on the floor with paramedics surrounding her.
After eating a handful of popcorn at the event, White heard TPD discuss how the popcorn they served was prepared with extra virgin olive oil, something White was deathly allergic to. She proceeded to panic, choking on the popcorn and collapsing to the ground. TPD immediately launched into action by calling the proper authorities who could help with the situation. Paramedics rushed to the scene, but not before many students saw what happened.
A social media campaign launched quickly after the incident, with students and faculty alike taking sides on the situation. #BackTheTPD and #BleedMaroon began to circulate on various online platforms, with people speaking out on Fizz, Instagram, and Snapchat about the topic of police brutality at the San Antonio campus.
“Ur telling me I need to watch out for the opps while I also pay $60k a year? #BleedMaroon,” one anonymous person wrote on Fizz. Another anonymous Fizz poster responded with, “Prassel 104, you’re currently posting as you scroll on Tiktok. Don’t leave your room if you won’t back it up #BackTheTPD.”
As these posts began to circulate, different areas of campus began to be vandalized with colorful expressions of toilet paper thrown in colors of red and blue. From Dicke Hall to Verna McLean Hall, these displays of bathroom items have continued to circulate, only being restrained by the limited amounts of toiletries available to students.
With online discourse reaching high tensions, TPD issued a public statement addressing this, apologizing for the initial Copcorn incident and pledging to never serve popcorn to the Trinity community ever again.
“We had no intention of harming the Trinity community and hope that the tentative end of Copcorn will help to alleviate any issues within our student body,” TPD wrote. “Our best wishes go to the Whites and their continual struggles through the circumstances they have faced.”
Through this all, White has been able to recover in Student Health Services and continues to improve in their condition. After extensive aid of a singular EpiPen and the most rudimentary health checkup, White looks to return to their classes as soon as the excuse of the incident wears off.