CLIMATE CHECK

Senior Senator Sopa Cinco said that many students have been upset about SGA’s new budgeting choices. She said that the $30,000 all-inclusive conference to Miami, FL, paid for with the carryover fund from last semester, taught her and all of the other senators a lot about how to lead. Senior Senator Alecks Black agreed, saying he learned important life lessons from the free alcohol. Senator Cinco said that this small investment made them better equipped to serve the university, and that the three campus walkouts and countless Jizz — popular anonymous social media app — posts regarding the investment are simply a result of “cancel culture.”

Head Treasurer Cookie Cicada agreed with Senator Cinco, and suggested that SGA prove to the “NARPs” (Non-Appointed Regime Participants) that they are truly going to change the entire Trinity bureaucracy for the better. She said they should start a taxation system where NARPs pay SGA $300 a month, and use those funds to address the ever-so-apparent issues at Trinity. According to Treasurer Cicada, these issues include, but are not limited to, defunding the press, increasing the policing of dissenters, and cutting off access to Jizz for students.

Vice President Baddie Lowball agreed on all counts except for defunding the press. She said that they’d already agreed in an executive session to fund the Trinbonian completely, after having lost a competitive basketball game to their editors. Details about the game can be found on page 15.

President Bomar Ratspoop agreed to implement this system, but said he worries that the NARPs will dramatize the event and create a “PR nightmare.” However, he said that the evening’s special guest, he said, might be able to help with this problem. Chief of Staff Boxcar Dragon giggled, and later, he said it was “in excitement and anticipation.

STAFF CHAT WITH TED CRUZ

Republican Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas landed on the roof of Dicke Hall in his private jet precisely at 6:30 p.m, only ten minutes late to the scheduled Staff Chat. He blamed his lateness on Congress, saying, “those people can’t do anything.” He then proclaimed that this was his first lesson of the night: the first thing you learn to do in politics is never take responsibility for anything, even if it was absolutely your fault. President Ratspoop wrote this down, and circled it twice.

President Ratspoop asked Cruz how SGA should implement their newly proposed taxation system, given the NARPs and their constant “whining.” Cruz said that SGA, as a whole, needs to ignore the NARP’s issues in favor of what they think are the most pressing issues. The constituency is never as important as the bureaucracy and Congress, according to Cruz.

“People need to understand that this is not their choice. While they may have voted for you, now that you are in this position of power, it is your job to exercise absolute control. Human life is ‘solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short,’ and there is no place for collective action here,” Cruz said.

Cruz added that he would never order a whole pizza on his private jet for just himself, but he has enough pizza to bring five senators on an all-inclusive paid trip to Cancun, Mexico — one of his favorite spots. He said that, to prevent a true NARP uprising, a disproportionate number of senators needed to be absent from “Dicke Hill” 208 to facilitate a student government shutdown. This way, neither voting nor senatorial overthrow can take place. This is the “true meaning of a representative democracy,” he added.

The entirety of SGA jumped at the opportunity, but Cruz had to remind them he only had enough pizza on the plane for five senators. Sophomore Senator Shrill Bacon questioned the lack of pizza available, saying, “Are you calling us fat?” Cruz immediately called him a “snowflake” and uninvited him from the trip. President Ratspoop said that his entire cabinet is made up of “a bunch of snowflakes,” and requested that he get priority to go to Cancun. Uproar fell upon Dicke 208, as senators realized their leader not only disregarded the interests of the NARPs, but also disregarded the interests of his own staff.

“It’s funny you call us snowflakes, but your ass is the one who so badly needed to go to a conference to fix your leadership abilities. You know what, fuck you! I am getting on that plane, bus, club, another club, another club, plane, next place,” Junior Senator Dookie Cowlick said.

The first punch was thrown by Senator Cowlick at President Ratspoop. Within seconds, Vice President Lowball had President Ratspoop in a headlock, making it easier for Chief of Staff Dragon to get a kick in. All the senators started grouping by class year. Juniors started fighting the freshmen, freshmen fighting the sophomores, and the seniors were actually just trying to apply to graduate schools in the southern corner of the room; Senior Senators Cinco and Alecks Black were seen sobbing, passing a brown paper bag between them, and wailing about how college passed by them so quickly. Senior Senator Dustbin Warthell, though, was unaffected by this woe. He was gleefully cackling, having put Junior Senator Revere Raunch in a chokehold, and cried, “you’ll never be vice president now!”

Senators were calling for the impeachment of President Ratspoop, but at this critical moment, Cruz pulled President Ratspoop aside.

“You need to bribe them all. Now. Do you have a foreign super PAC that donates to your campaign? If so, you need to get them to pay off your senators,” Cruz said.

President Ratspoop agreed with Cruz, and was able to secure minuscule stakes in Fortune 500 companies for all SGA senators. Senators calmed down slightly, but the fighting persisted.

Eventually, Fluke Schmaxxing, Shrill Bacon, Dookie Cowlick, and Roast Petty, a senator from each class year, and President Ratspoop all boarded onto Cruz’s private plane. Notably, President Ratspoop abandoned his entire cabinet, as well as the presidential and vice presidential candidates for next year, who are: Inclusion and Belonging Chair Eyesha Farrkick, Sophomore Senators Cellie Glock and Jack of Holes for President, and Junior Senator Revere Raunch for Vice President.

The rest of SGA watched them fly away from the roof of Dicke Hall on April 1. Seconds later, the many, many remaining SGA representatives successfully fought off a group of NARPs who had broken into Dicke Hill 208, and established a dictatorship once again. The whereabouts of Sen. Cruz and the rest of SGA are unknown, but they do attempt to cast mail-in votes on bills… sometimes.