Trinitonian

Previously, on SGA: Sen. Ted Cruz gives SGA a crash course on how to ‘fly away’ from conflict

The following covers the meeting on your mom’s birthday. SGA no longer holds weekly meetings.

Maya ‘Sham’anNo-Sources, SGHey Reporter • March 26, 2026

CLIMATE CHECK Senior Senator Sopa Cinco said that many students have been upset about SGA’s new budgeting choices. She said that the $30,000 all-inclusive conference to Miami, FL, paid for with the...

Mabee: Our new Michelin ‘Star’

Mabee it isn’t so bad after all

Joang Fang, News Reporter • March 26, 2026

*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool's edition, the Trinibonian, here. “Molto bene!!!” Giovanni Binaldi said loudly as he sank his teeth into the famous Mabee Dining...

Need a ride, you sexy devil?

Trinity’s new escort service is a hit, particularly among fraternity members

Juulianne Bun, Poos Reporter • March 26, 2026

*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool's edition, the Trinibonian, here. Trinity recently announced its new Tiger Escort Service, which allows students to call an escort...

Donald Trump visits ‘Tragic’ Trinity

U.S. President blasts ‘PRESIDENT SLEAZLEY’ in Truth Social post before his visit

Im Richer, Poos Editor • March 26, 2026

*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool's edition, the Trinibonian, here. U.S. President Donald Trump landed at San Antonio International Airport in Air Force One on March...

Trinitonian is cancelled

Diva Constructor, Managing Editor • March 26, 2026

*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool's edition, the Trinibonian, here. In a decisive and deeply unsurprising move, federal regulators have officially shut down the Trinibonian...

Drop the épées; It’s time to pick up a real weapon

Fencing club resorts to real swords in anticipation of the draft

Anthony Romero, Sports Reporter • March 25, 2026

If you’re going to a fencing club meeting in the coming weeks, don’t expect to pick up an épée, foil, or sabre anytime soon. The club recently announced that it will begin using actual swords in...

The Triniboners fight tooth and nail for funding

A ‘Basketball Game’ decides the fate of print journalism at Trinity

Maddy Morrow, Sports Reporter • March 25, 2026

After a back-and-forth match, the Triniboners came up with a win 26-25. The match was organized after SGA Senators were sick of hearing the Boners pleas for more money, and in honor of March Madness, suggested...

Trinity appeals to shorten length of soccer games

Tigers controversially argue for shorter games, which would award them a retroactive title

Scott Lebo, Sports Reporter/Podcast Editor • March 25, 2026

Trinity men’s soccer filed an official appeal to the NCAA Division III rules committee to shorten the length of soccer matches from 90 minutes to 89 minutes and 55 seconds. The change would retroactively...

Tigers make 7’4-sized splash in the portal

Trinity recruits Wembanyama to bolster NCAA tournament team

Cole Isaacson, Sports Editor • March 25, 2026

Trinity men’s basketball sent shockwaves through the Division III world when they announced San Antonio Spurs star Victor Wembanyama is set to join the team for the upcoming season. Wembanyama played...

‘Buds and Brushes’: Pairing canvas work with cannabis

New course opening in fall 2026 filled in 5 minutes, revealing more about student demand than any syllabus could

Za-za Zerez, Farts Reporter • March 24, 2026

This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here. A new course, ART 4200: ‘Buds and Brushes,’ is launching this fall, Trinity’s art department...

The Oscars snubbed ‘Zootopia 2’ across the board

Historians will one day ask: Where were you when ‘Zootopia 2’ was robbed?

Zoo Zutton, Farts Columnist • March 23, 2026

This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool's edition, the Trinibonian, here. Every year, the Academy Awards claims to present prestige to the most deserving films. But if that’s...

Dr. Phil to spend a week at Trinty University

SGA approved Dr. Phil's coming to campus the week of April 8 for several projects

Diki Sheller, Intern • April 4, 2024

This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian. As of March 21, at the last SGA Finance Committee Meeting, SGA has officially approved self-help guru and television...