*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here.

With a red solo cup in hand and NLE Choppa blaring in the background, you may find yourself in a familiar situation — searching for a frat house’s bathroom. Famed for their mysterious stains, grime-covered surfaces, and inadequate toilet paper supply, fraternity bathrooms get a bad rep on Trinity’s campus. Given this widespread disdain, The Trinibonian begged to ask: Are Trinity’s fraternity bathrooms really all that bad?

Based on extensive research, the Trinibonian has compiled a ranking of all Trinity fraternities’ bathrooms, evaluated on a 15-point scale based on three criteria: aesthetics, functionality, and cleanliness.

1. Theta Theta Beta 13/15 — AESTHETICS: 4/5, FUNCTIONALITY: 5/5, CLEANLINESS 4/5

As our number one spot, Theta Theta Beta represents what a fraternity bathroom could be, if only those in charge are willing to imagine it. One red light and one blue light work together to wash the room in purple hues, while wall decor, like a Port Aransas trash sign, creates a vibe reminiscent of wild trips to Texas’ southern coast. With a well-working toilet and sink, period products available, and excellent mood lighting, Theta’s bathroom outperformed almost all others in every category.

2. 10/15 Upsilon Chi Bi — AESTHETICS 5/5, FUNCTIONALITY: 0/5, CLEANLINESS 5/5

Trinity’s multicultural fraternity Upsilon Chi Bi (UCB) may be the new kid on the block, but that doesn’t stop it from earning second place in our ranking. While UCB may not have an actual house or bathroom to review, they nonetheless have a system at parties to make up for their lacking restroom capacity. UCB has created a notably environmentally friendly open-bathroom policy they call “pissin’ in the woods.” While not functional for many, particularly for some women and people with disabilities, the “pissin’ in the woods” system is easily the most scenic and clean of the frat bathrooms, thus earning their designation as number two on our list.   

3. 9/15 I Chai Row — AESTHETICS 3/5, FUNCTIONALITY: 4/5, CLEANLINESS 2/5

The bathroom of I Chai Row excels in functionality. A paper sign identifies the room for any wandering passerbys, resources hang above the toilet for easy access, and a supply of pads and tampons sits under the sink. What they excel at in functionality, they fall short on in aesthetics and cleanliness. Harsh lighting and a hairball matted up in the showers’ corner lead to an off-putting vibe. Nonetheless, the I Chai bathroom definitely fulfills its purpose.

4. 8/15 Pi Alpha Xi — AESTHETICS 3/5, FUNCTIONALITY: 3/5, CLEANLINESS 3/5

Recently having moved to a new house, Pi Alpha Xi is surprisingly high on this list, given the reputation of their bathrooms from past residences. While the bathroom functions, visitors report spotty water availability that occasionally leads to more serious plumbing problems. While not the cleanest, it’s certainly not the dirtiest. The bathroom is simple, has bright lighting, and gets the job done.

5. 7/15 Phi Belta Mau — AESTHETICS 2/5, FUNCTIONALITY: 3/5, CLEANLINESS 2/5

Phi Belta Mau’s bathroom has a long history of serving the Trinity community, so despite its lack of decorations, it’s hard to deny that it has some institutional charm. Aesthetics aside, this is one dirty bathroom with grime clearly caked on from years of overuse. That is not to say it’s unusable. The bathroom functions and is clean enough that if you need to go, it’s not a half-bad place to do so. Earning some extra points, the Belt bathroom tends to harbor a number of surprises, such as a “raw potato” found by members of Ramma Pi Meta sorority just last week.

6. 3/15 Omicron Psi — AESTHETICS 2/5, FUNCTIONALITY: 0/5, CLEANLINESS 1/5

On the Trinibonian’s visit to the Omicron Psi’s (Opsi) bathroom, active members made sure to emphasize that the bathroom is not always this abysmal. However, it’s hard to find the positives among the disarray. The OPsi’s sink sits lopsided on the ground, detached from the wall and broken into disrepair. The toilet, while functioning, is inaccessible given the broken sink blocking potential users’ paths. Random pieces of balled up toilet paper scatter across the surfaces and a distinct smell stays with you long after you’re gone. While largely undecorated, the sheer destruction of the bathroom lends itself to a level of charm, giving OPsi a solid 2 in at least one category — aesthetics.

7. 1/15 Bumblebeers — AESTHETICS 0/5, FUNCTIONALITY: 1/5, CLEANLINESS 0/5

The Bumblebeers barely made it into their slot as second-to-last of Trinity’s fraternity bathrooms. Bathroom is an overstatement — the only place to go is, in fact, a porta-potty. With all the gross smells and surfaces associated with porta-potties, let alone a porta-potty that sits in the backyard of a fraternity house, it is no surprise the Beers received a total score of one on their overall rating.

8. 0/15 Rangel Dancers — AESTHETICS 0/5, FUNCTIONALITY 0/5, CLEANLINESS 0/5

After the Dancers denied repeated requests for access to their bathroom, the Trinibonian could only reasonably conclude that the conditions must’ve been so abhorrent that they did not want the shame of their bathroom broadcast to our readers. Therefore, Dancers have received the bottom spot, beating out even the Beer’s porta-potty for worst fraternity bathroom at Trinity.