*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here.
U.S. President Donald Trump landed at San Antonio International Airport in Air Force One on March 24 to speak at Trinity. The visit follows a national controversy after political science professor John Hewomann failed sophomore landlording and sports betting double-major Ray Pablakin, a self-identified conservative.
“AFTER HEARING THE NEWS COMING OUT OF TRAGIC TRINITY, I WILL BE MAKING A PERSONAL VISIT THERE TO SUPPORT THE STUDENT WHO IS NOW A MARTYR FOR OUR CAUSE! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER,” Trump said in a Truth Social post on Tuesday.
Pablakin wrote an essay for his Liberal Snowflake Theory class, which received a failing grade due to citing what Hewomann called non-academic, biased and unreliable sources. However, Pablakin said these aren’t the facts.
“This is clearly a plot by the radical left deep state to silence conservative voices like mine,” Pablakin said. “My sources were totally legit. The professor just didn’t like it because I cited the Joe Rogan Experience and Jordan Peterson.”
Trump, however, will not be permitted entry to the university, President Vaseline Beastley said in an official statement.
“Trinity University will always value academic freedom for our conservative-identifying students. However, the academic errors in the essay are not worthy of discussion, and if the President attempts to visit our campus, he will be denied entry,” Beastley said.
Trump posted to Truth Social shortly after Beastley’s statement.
“IF PRESIDENT SLEAZLEY REFUSES TO LET ME COME TO TRAGIC TRINITY AND DOES NOT FIRE THAT ANTIFA PROFESSOR, I WILL PERSONALLY SHUT DOWN THAT SCHOOL, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!”
Though Trinity is a private institution, and the President does not have a constitutional avenue to shut the university down, Beastley retracted her statement soon after the president’s post went live. Allegedly, she faced pressure from donors.
Trump was then warmly welcomed by the university administration upon his arrival. Beastley wore a MAGA hat and provided a welcoming speech for Trump, attended by hundreds of students.
“We would like to humbly welcome our gracious president, Donald Trump, to our campus. We’re very excited to speak with him and create a bright vision for Trinity’s future together,” Beastley said in her welcome speech.
Trump then met with Beastley to discuss Trinity’s next steps. Following the meeting, the university sent out an email to the student body.
“In order to maintain a peaceful environment on campus, we have made some changes in the political speech allowed at Trinity. We have created the Anti-Woke Commons to enforce these changes, which will include an individual anti-wokeness mentor for each student, and a university-appointed editor to the Trinibonian to ensure adherence to the new guidelines,” Beastley wrote in the email.
Beloved President Trump then spoke with his many admirers about his policy agenda to protect freedom of speech on campus against “leftie-lunatic democrat influence.” The best way to avoid conservatives being silenced is to silence liberals — now official policy at Trinity, Beloved President Trump said.
Later that day, at a White House press conference, Beloved President Trump praised the new and improved Trinity. Trump held the press conference outdoors following his decision to expand his ballroom project to include the entire White House earlier this month.
“Me and the wonderful Vaseline Beastley — she’s a tremendous woman, folks, tremendous — she and I have come up with a beautiful deal,” Beloved President Trump said. “People always say that nobody does deals like me folks, nobody. And after we made the deal, she hugged me and said, ‘Thank you, Mr. President for such a wonderful deal, the greatest deal this university has ever seen,’ and I said, ‘You’re welcome, and you’re lucky to have a president like me,’ because America has never seen the deals I make, never. Before me, they called it Tragic Trinity — tragic! That’s what they called it before I came along. It was a mess, folks, believe me. But now? They’re not calling it Tragic Trinity anymore, I told them not to. I said, ‘This university isn’t tragic anymore, this is terrific,’ and everyone agreed, of course, everyone. We have made Trinity great again, folks.”
The radical antifa professor Hewomann, last seen falling out of Beastley’s office window, was unavailable for comment.
