*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here.
Trinity recently announced its new Tiger Escort Service, which allows students to call an escort 24/7. President Vaseline Beastley sent out an email to the student body last week notifying them of the new program.
Beastley said she believes the new service will benefit the Trinity population by allowing students access to areas that were previously difficult to reach. The most common request for the escorts from students, Beastley said, is the baseball field.
“Trinity students really struggle to even get to first base these days, so being able to get to third base with the escorts is really special,” Beastley said. “We hope that this new program will make third base, and whatever other bases or areas on campus, more accessible to students.”
Additionally, Beastley said the most common users of this service tend to be members of the Phi Belta Mau fraternity, colloquially known as “Belts.” Belt president Rayndom Whiteguye said he has noticed a general improvement in the organization’s members’ moods since the program was introduced. While wearing deodorant is a well-known strategy for getting to third base, many members of the fraternity have chosen to forego this strategy entirely in favor of utilizing the escort service for their transportation instead.
“They just really like going to third base,” Whiteguye said. “It’s a perfect square, really solid, equidistant from the other bases. We like that the escorts can take us anywhere, but we really like when they take us to third base. It’s a really good base.”
The escorts’ exact identities are unknown, though an anonymous tip suggests one may be LeeRoy. The tipster alleges they saw LeeRoy wearing a dress and driving an unidentified student on a golf cart to the baseball field. Whiteguye said he does not believe this claim.
“Woah, woah, woah, the guys in our org aren’t into furry stuff,” Whiteguy said. “We just want to get to third base, man. Why would we have a tiger drive us there?”
For assistance getting to third base or anywhere else on campus, contact the Tiger Escort Service.
