*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here.
“Molto bene!!!” Giovanni Binaldi said loudly as he sank his teeth into the famous Mabee Dining Hall cheeseburgers. “It’s so good. I cannot go back to the risotto con carne!!”
Binaldi was among a slew of internationally renowned food critics who visited the dining hall on March 20. The group came to experience the grandiose offering of Trinity’s premier food providers. After their meal, they awarded Mabee a record-breaking Michelin star, making it the first university campus in the world to receive this honor.
For several decades since its establishment, Mabee has entertained hundreds of esteemed guests, drawing both students and others around the world with its acclaimed dishes. Some of its most well-known include the likes of the world-renowned Mabee bug salad, undercooked beef with salt, cheeseburgers and fries with salt and ketchup, tomato soup with salt and crackers, and, of course, the fried fish with ketchup, salt, pepper, and crackers.
As the critics flew in and out of the hall, so did compliments and praises for the chefs, the staff and their cooking.
“Fantastique!!!” shouted out Frenchman Louis Gou Le Vou. “Wunderbar!!” screamed German Dieter Heinrich Heinz Muller.
The Korean and Japanese critics shouted too, but this keyboard the reporter is typing with doesn’t support their alphabets, so unfortunately, you’ll have to imagine with your minds. Head Chef Fry Cooke was pleasantly surprised by all the responses.
“All I had to do was dip the fries into the boiling water and microwave the beef patties,” said Cooke. “And, boom! Magic. I guess I just have that ‘Cooke’ touch.”
Rand Meover, senior online delivery and history of cloth double-major, expressed awe at the sights of the special event.
“The white tablecloths and candles really put it all together,” Meover said. “I’ve never seen this place so stylish. I would have to give it six or seven swipes out of nine.”
Approximately 200 critics visited, more than typical diners could accomodate, so dining staff and the Trinity University Police Department had to temporarily remove about 329 students from the hall and block 783 more over the course of the evening. Some students outside reportedly looked in through the windows, mooning critics.
“I’m just trying to eat after a long day,” Fisch Hook, junior amusement park ride major, said. Freshman bird law major Max Imum simply said, “FUCK!”
However, this apparently did not bother the critics, many of whom delighted in stealing meals from poor college students. When asked about causing the disruption, Head Critic Gordon Ramsey said he was angry about even being asked, saying that as he had traveled all the way from his single-family dwelling in New Braunfels, TX, and his time should be respected.
Another critic, Takoyami Koyami, commented on Mabee’s food, especially in comparison to food from other places. As a food critic, of course, he has tried food from many places.
“Smashing, like your smashed potatoes! Better than anything else on this side of the equator and the prime meridian,” Takoyami Koyami said. “Truly, this American cuisine has surpassed expectations and shows that this country has developed a gastronomic culture second to few, much like that ballistic missile system of theirs!”
The critics reportedly left in large limousines, singing K-pop loudly after trashing the place. The dining staff were reportedly flattered and awestruck that such esteemed critics left their trash here, and rumors have sprung up of a small gallery featuring the critics’ leftover napkins being planned. As of last night, Cooke auctioned off several of the critics’ utensils, with prices going up to as high as 150 bonus bucks or even a whole meal swipe.
