After a back-and-forth match, the Triniboners came up with a win 26-25. The match was organized after SGA Senators were sick of hearing the Boners pleas for more money, and in honor of March Madness, suggested a basketball game to settle the debate.
The Boners learned the game along the way and relied heavily on the best backcourt duo in journalism, Head Copy Editor Bylam Willsnored and Regular Parts Editor Evilyn Lagsdale. Featuring his iconic helmet, Ballers Editor Isaac Coleson earned a double-double, leading the team with 14 points and 10 rebounds. Managing Editor Diva Constructor had 15 steals before she fouled out in the last quarter. False Editor Junilla Pleas put up a strong defensive performance with five steals.
GAME RECAP
Willsnored tipped the ball back to the Boners and the game began. Half of the Boners staff looked deeply confused, but still followed Willsnored down the court to the basket. Willsnored passed the ball to Editor-in-Chief Ham Gristle, who relayed it to Constructor to drive into the paint. Farts Editor Cat MeowKinney began to run off the court, shielding herself from the action. The referees called a foul after Constructor shoved SGA Head Treasurer Cookie Cicada out of the way to score. The Boners’ coach, Visuals Editor Less Gagging, called a timeout. The Boners huddled up, and three of the five listened to Poos Editor Im Richer as he frantically read aloud a book titled “Basketball for Idiots.”
After understanding the rules better, the Boners took the court again. SGA Vice President Baddie Lowball put up a couple of points until Pleas stopped them by tactically swiping the ball, then dashed off on a fastbreak to the paint. The Senators quickly realized that the Boners’ drive to keep print journalism alive gave them unanticipated strength.
The Senators went on a scoring streak, and President Bomar Ratspoop put up a few stepback threes. To end the momentum, Gristle got the rebound and began to dribble down the court. She looked to the stands, stopped, and held the ball in her hands. Gristle’s eyes began to water as she saw the student section holding up copies of the latest edition of the Trinibonian. Overcome by her love for journalism, she dropped the ball and took in the moment. Lowball took advantage of her passion and added two more to their score.
Out of desire for funding — or dignity — Coleson and Willsnored made eye contact and knew that it was time to lock in. They started to make more shots and put the Boners back in the game. Onion Editor Rye Ventilator started setting screens against Senior Senator Alecks Black, sending him to the ground, and in an attempt to save himself, went into a cartwheel, allowing Gristle to take an open shot.
Gristle passed the ball to Copy Editor Avi Roy with two minutes until half, but Roy held up his hands and shouted, “Halt!” The arena lights dimmed, and Roy stepped to the middle of the court. He took a deep breath, and after a slow scan of the arena, began his monologue.
“Wake up! Who are we trying to fool, entertaining this capitalist fight?” Roy said. “War wages around the world, and we are in this dome, echoing the trivial trials and tribulations of privileged academics. Stand with me, break free of the propaganda and mendacity we are playing into today.”
Sophomore Senator Shrill Bacon snagged the ball away from him and added to the score with a layup on Gristle’s head. After the philosophical interruption, the game was back on. After the cartwheel fiasco, Black drew a one and one to take back the lead. Lagsdale and Willsnored, who had been quietly adding points to the score, continued their success for the Boners. With the end of the game approaching, the Boners knew they needed to keep the Senators from scoring. Gristle threw herself in front of a Lowball setting up for a three, and Constructor put both arms up — somehow blocking the vice president’s perfect shot.
With 10 seconds left, Ratspoop was trying to keep the ball in the senators hands. Out of nowhere, MeowKinney tripped, throwing off Ratspoop and causing him to drop the ball. Ventilator picked the ball up and chucked it to Willsnored. The Boners put up a shot that ricocheted off the rim, and somehow the rebound bounced off of Coleson’s helmet — straight into Willsnored hands. Willsnored was heavily guarded and looked around for a bail out. He passed around his defender, and the ball landed in Coleson’s hands, wide open in the corner. Coleson shot the ball, the buzzer screeched, and the shot was good. The Boners had won — not just for their funding — but for all of student journalism.
