This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian.

With spring football practices rolling around, a familiar face has been spotted in a new position. Trinity football head coach Jerheme Urban has taken to the field in his old position at wide receiver, performing both the player and coaching roles simultaneously.

“After seeing players like Tom Brady come out of retirement and dominate on the field, I thought to myself, ‘Hey, why not,’” said Urban, who was seen working out with the team. “After a long time off the field, I still have that fire, and what better way to show I’ve still got it than by hanging another 60 points on Millsaps?”

Urban previously played for the Tigers as a student, accumulating numerous records for the team in his four years with the team. While there are questions surrounding the legality and morality of allowing a 43-year-old former NFL receiver to play against 18-year-old freshmen straight out of high school, Urban and the Trinity football team aren’t concerned.

“You saw players like Stetson Bennett [with Georgia] and Bo Nix [Oregon] play college football for what felt like decades. I’m sure the NCAA won’t mind if I use that fifth COVID year I’ve been saving in the bank.”

During his four-year tenure with the Tigers, Urban posted numerous records, some of which still stand today. However, with a rising group of talented players set to take the field, he’s decided to give what he calls some “insurance” and retake some records of his own. He plans to do this by doing something rarely seen in sports history.

“Obviously, with everything we’ve achieved while I’ve been a head coach here, we know it’s pretty legendary stuff, right? But I want to do something to ensure that I break every single record imaginable. I’m going to be the one calling every play and making sure I’m the number one option on every pass. It’s a strategy I think will work really well for us next season.”

Coach Urban’s plan is bold, but one that Trinity hopes will result in big success long term. If he can turn back the clock, expect magic on the field in the upcoming season. The threat Urban poses is impossible to ignore, banking on incredible physical strength and years of knowledge under his belt.

“We lost by 50 points, and now they’re only going to get better,” said one incredulous Southwestern University player. “Forget that; I’m graduating early or ‘pulling my back’ during workouts that week.”