This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian.

With the increasingly large number of undergrad applicants and Trinity’s recent classification as a national liberal arts university, Trinity has to work harder than ever to stand out and bring in the right applicants for the school. Like other universities around the country, Trinity has remained in a state of perpetual construction in the pursuit of making the campus stand out, but Trinity realized they had a problem: Their campus master plan was just not sexy enough to really draw in applicants. Luckily, after a few brainstorming sessions, the committee put together a new plan to really drive admissions.
This plan will come with new buildings and major renovations, like replacing all the walls and floors of the academic buildings with giant windows to get ahead of the trend. Trinity will also be constructing several new buildings for business majors to produce alumni that have enough money to donate to the university. However, as project lead Cray Minal explained, some of the changes simply build upon existing campus infrastructure.
“We wanted to take some of the frustrations students were having about campus and look at them in a new way,” Minal said. “Take the tower, for example, students are upset that they can’t go up the stairs in it anymore, but I thought, ‘Hey, what if we push some of those loose bricks out a little bit to create a rock climbing wall for our adventurous students out there?’”
Another way the team plans to utilize existing resources is to capitalize on the constantly-running sprinklers off Beneski Parkway. Rather than watering plants, they will be used to develop a new water park area where students can relax and have fun between classes. Eva Minecart, a student who had called Facilities Services to express their concerns about overwatering, weighed in on this development.
“This is not what I thought they meant when they told me they’d ‘take care of it,’ that’s for sure,” Minecart said.
The university aims to make all of the modifications to campus as soon as possible to start showing off on tours. All construction is set to be completed by the end of 2025, even though they have not yet started on anything. Facilities director Handy Manny assured that students have nothing to be concerned about in that regard.
“Yes, definitely. I don’t even know why I have to say it,” Manny said. “Everything is 1,000% on schedule, and of course all the construction and renovations are going to be done on time. Like, what kind of question even is this? I mean, I can’t even imagine what would have prompted you to ask this. Did someone tell you they wouldn’t get done on time? They would have been lying. Because we are right on schedule. You got that, right? You’re writing down that everything is on schedule? OK good, because it’s true.”
With so many changes on the way, Trinity had to find some space somewhere to place all these new developments. Luckily, there were several conveniently located parking lots that they could just build right on top of. With the removal of so many lots, though, students expressed concerns about being able to park on campus.
“We know that parking will be competitive, especially since half of the remaining spots will remain perpetually coned off just in case admissions needs them, but we have an ingenious plan to accommodate this,” Minal said. “We just need to bring the price of parking passes up a teensy bit more. Just a couple thousand dollars.”