This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here

Yes, it is true my fraternity has been mentioned on Fizz recently. As risk manager, I feel it is my duty to respond to these baseless rumors and allegations. No, we do not, in fact, make our members have sex with cows; it’s actually goats. Huge difference, bro.

But let’s take a step back, what really is hazing? Is it that thing Weighton and Clills (Shout out!) keep insisting is “explicitly banned” because “Sensory Deprivation Tanks are an absolute no! What in God’s name were you thinking?” or is it simply the time-honored tradition that builds character, resilience, and an unquestioning willingness to shove a flower up your ass? You may not know me, but you’ve been to my fraternity’s parties. And with Trinity’s recent updates surrounding hazing, I am here to tell you: this is not okay. I am here to tear down the matriarchy that is trying to remove the F-U-N from Greek life. Because while the “woke” liberals might claim that hazing causes “emotional and physical distress,” that is plain wrong.
For centuries, hazing has been an essential rite of passage and is deeply woven into the fabric of brotherhood and camaraderie. The Spartans didn’t just hand out swords and call it a day; they put their pledges through grueling trials to separate the boys from men. Like us, they would make their pledges fight in the woods at night to find out who the “Alpha” is! And let’s not forget the war heroes, industry leaders, and U.S. Presidents who learned discipline, loyalty, and hotboxing salvia through these time-honored hazing traditions. At the end of the day, it’s a sacred test of dedication, a way to prove that you belong among these other men who truly understand what it means to sacrifice, like giving up your dignity for three weeks (unless you’re like us and keep hazing after orientation ends) in exchange for LinkedIn connections.

First and foremost, hazing is essential because it makes better boys. And yeah, I know a bottle of Jack Daniels won’t solve all our problems, but it sure as hell solves some. Hazing teaches values, and important ones at that. How else are pledges supposed to learn that melting a block of ice in the woods at 3 a.m. is the single most important skill a man can have?
And yes, at the end of the day, we need to groom these boys into becoming the kind of men who reflect well on our fraternity. Do you think George Washington crossed the Delaware without soloing a case race first? No, hazing creates leaders. Studies even show that hazing increases resilience. Why else would we, frat boys, be so mentally tough? We’re basically training our pledges to be a hybrid of CEOs, Navy SEALs, and hedge fund managers all in one, but, like, cooler because they can hit on freshmen.

My second reason hazing must stay is brotherhood. Nothing bonds a group of men together quite like being tortured. I can tell you right now that if I were dropped off in Mexico with my fellow pledge brothers, no phones, no wallets, and nothing but an almost-dead burnt vape, we’d come back closer than ever.

For this column, I interviewed my fellow pledge brother John McAllister, because FUCK journalistic integrity. To quote John: “We’re not just forging friendships here; we’re forging warriors. Because nothing says brotherhood quite like being locked in a pitch-black basement for three days with your pledge brothers and only Gold Four Lokos and Marlboro Reds for sustenance. If Patrick Bateman could do it, so can Chad from Paris, Ohio.” And let me tell you, John is right. After those three days, our brothers are more connected than ever. And yeah, that trauma bonding? That 1000% comes up in all my Goldman Sachs interviews.

But what about those delicate little pansies who claim hazing is “damaging” and “emotional and physical torture”? To that, I ask: what exactly is torturous about it? If they didn’t enjoy smashing a cactus on their forehead, they wouldn’t do it. Duhhh. And what emotional distress are they even talking about? Sorry, but if your feelings are hurt because you had to do an elephant walk, then I don’t know what to tell you other than maybe you are a literal baby. And you know what? Maybe you should transfer to a school with basically no Greek life, like UIW.

So, I say this to you, administration: You can take our high heels, our flags, and even our charter, but you cannot take away our eternal brotherhood. And God knows you definitely can’t permanently kick us off campus, because our alumni network is stronger than your entire endowment. Where do you think it comes from? At the end of the day, hazing isn’t a problem; it’s a privilege. And if you disagree with me, well, it just sounds like someone is salty they didn’t get a bid.