This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here
It’s officially spring! Every new season is a new opportunity to reinvent yourself, and we at the Trinibonian are here to help. Our expert team has done extensive research to compile this list of the five hottest fashion trends guaranteed to make you the coolest person on campus.
Single-use T-shirts
Fast fashion just got even faster! These one-wear garments are all the rage amongst college students. After all, why undergo the Herculean task of hauling your dirty shirts down to the laundry room when you could just discard them instead? Complete the look and never do laundry again with single-use pants, socks, and more! Each article is made out of 100% unknown, non-biodegradable synthetic material. Get a pack of 100 for just $4.99 on Amazon today!
Pails
It’s time to ditch your backpack and pick up a pail! With their easily customizable appearance and ample storage, pails are the perfect accessory for all your outfits and needs this spring. Beyond just being fashionable, pails are also a great way to subtly flex on those around you — the bigger and louder the pail, the more respect you’ll get.
Wizard-chic
Don’t let the name fool you! You don’t need any real magic to rock wizard-chic this spring. Instead, just don some heavy robes and a pointy hat, and a mysterious demeanor. You might not be able to actually cast spells, but this look is sure to give you an air of power and wisdom. To elevate the look even further, consider adding a staff or growing a floor-length beard! However, be careful not to commit a fashion faux pas and confuse this with last season’s sorcerer-chic. They’re very different.
Ankle watches
Being named by some as “the future of watch wearing,” ankle watches are the hot new way to tell time. With an ankle watch, you’ll never again have that awkward and all too common experience of being asked for the time while only being able to see your ankle. For college students, we at the Trinibonian recommend the new 24K gold and diamond-encrusted design from Rolex. It’s only $50,000 — that’s less than tuition!
Living fur stoles
Want to wear real fur but feel bad about killing animals? Just wear an alive one instead! Not only is it fashionable, but you get a built-in friend as well. Creatures like minks and foxes are the perfect length to drape around your neck, and they probably won’t bite you!
NOTE: the Trinibonian is not liable for any ridicule, animal attacks, environmental damage, or pail incidents that may result from following these trends.
