This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here
As we all know, Trinity is home to a diverse student body with a wide range of voices. However, one of the lesser-discussed groups is the non-human students on campus. While our beloved Trinicats are frequently written about and even have a club dedicated to them, there’s a whole array of critters that often go unrecognized — the raccoons, possums, roaches, rats, and other so-called “vermin.” In truth, these students contribute a great deal to the school, and this article aims to give them the voice they deserve.
One rather famous raccoon student named Rhett Racont, junior sociology major, has made quite the name for himself at Trinity. He has known that he wanted to study sociology since he was a small kit. As a San Antonio native, he knew that Trinity was the right place to pursue his passion because, well, all the other schools in San Antonio just weren’t as cool. However, his time at Trinity hasn’t been without its challenges, particularly in relation to what’s now known as “the Storch raccoon incident.”
“My freshman year, everyone was pretty intolerant of having a raccoon in their class,” Racont said. “It’s a legendary story by now, but here’s the deal: One day I was running a little late to my class in Storch 112, and, surprise, the door was locked. So, naturally, I did what any reasonable raccoon would do — I went through the ceiling panels. Needless to say, everyone freaked out. After that, they put a meme on the door saying I was ‘up to no good’ and ‘disturbing the peace.’ Honestly a little over the top if you ask me. I mean, God forbid I take my class attendance seriously and utilize my small round shape and nimble little hands to find solutions.”
Fox student Francisco Fowkes, sophomore engineering major, honestly didn’t say much during his interview because he was really nervous and kept running away from me. However, it seemed he shared the same sentiment as Racont when it came to struggling to connect with his human classmates.
“Fine! I’m an engineering major, so I’m pretty much stressed all the time. I like to take walks around the sophomore and junior dorms at night. It helps me think and get some exercise in. Those walks are my favorite part of the day,” Fowkes said. “Though I get kinda nervous when you people take pictures of me or, worst of all, try to chase me down and pet me. I’m not your therapy animal, I’m trying to avoid a nervous breakdown myself. Can’t a guy get a little privacy? Seriously, leave me alone. No, I am serious.” And then he ran away again — but that is not important.
Rat student Archibald Rath XV, senior English major, is one of many legacy Trinity students on campus, and he takes great pride in his family’s long-standing connection to the university. Unfortunately, his time at Trinity has been overshadowed by the university’s efforts to remove his family from campus. As a result, Rath XV has dedicated much of his time to advocating for rat rights and working to protect his family’s legacy at the university.
“Practically my entire lineage has hailed from this illustrious institution. I take immense pride in being a fifteenth-generation Trinity student,” Rath XV said. “It is, of course, a grave disappointment that so-called Facilities Services and their phony baloney health and safety standards deemed my family unworthy of residing in the residence halls. In truth, I am quite clean — more so than most of my peers. The university may attempt to banish us from this campus, but mark my words, one cannot simply erase the Rath legacy.’”
