This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here
Under this new government administration, there has been a valiant push to eradicate the woke agenda and get America back on track. Yet, despite the changing red tides in Washington, Trinity remains overly political and disappointingly woke in how it identifies itself and runs this campus. Thankfully, I have some minor tweaks in mind that should fix our little liberal problem right up.
Over the past few months, Trinity and our glorious president have been doing some good stuff to counter the woke agenda. Recently, the president took bold action, removing woke terms — like “ethnicity,” “pronouns,” and worst of all, “Gulf of Mexico” — from government websites. This sparked media backlash, particularly from the left, which only intensified when the administration decided to flag photos of the Enola Gay for deletion. However, I, for one, do not know who Enola is, and her sexuality is irrelevant to me, so I think these changes have been pretty awesome!
Despite this brave move to dismantle the radical woke agenda at the federal level, it seems the locals haven’t quite caught on. Specifically, our own university shows some of the telltale signs of radical leftist thought, and I simply cannot stay quiet as the liberals take over our cherished campus.
First off, why is Trinity called a “liberal arts” institution? Why is our great university using the word liberal to describe itself? This fact is absolutely ridiculous, and not enough people are talking about it. It assumes that the entire university is liberal, and certainly indicates that the curriculum is going to spread some sort of liberal agenda. Why not something more patriotic like an ‘American arts’ institution? Not only does that roll off the tongue nicely, but it would better represent the entire student population.
And another thing! What is up with the political science department? I mean, Trinity is supposed to be non-political, and yet they have a whole department devoted specifically to politics? That seems too political to me, and it gets me thinking about what kind of radical liberal agenda they may be spreading. I am literally hyperventilating just thinking about it. The only reasonable solution is to abolish the political science department altogether and perhaps open a ‘non-political science department’ instead. That way, students can learn how to remain politically neutral, something that our so-called ‘liberal arts’ university clearly has a problem with.
Aside from naming and department issues, I’m becoming increasingly concerned about the presence of milk and cookies and nacho hour on campus. Unlike the flawless Tiger Bucks and Bonus Bucks system, which all students universally love and have no issues with, milk and cookies and nacho hour don’t involve any kind of microtransactions with university monopoly money — and honestly, I find that pretty unsettling. Why? Communism. Enough said. The solution to this issue is fairly clear, both of these events should be charging Bonus Bucks. This would give students another place to spend their money while also avoiding dangerous political agendas on campus.
By implementing these foolproof solutions, Trinity can finally catch up with the times. Students, we must encourage Trinity to expunge this outdated woke agenda. Let’s make this campus a pioneer ‘American arts’ institution — for liberty and justice for all!
