This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here
After governor Richard Abbey passed the FURRIES Act (HB6969) on April 1, LeeRoy was arrested by the San Antonio Police Department under allegations of “furry behavior” and “harassment while cosplaying an orange rodent.” After LeeRoy was taken into custody, Texas Governor Abbey ordered his continued detainment until Trinity University expels the “wayward student.”
So far, Trinity University has refrained from comment. Following the arrest, some students have refused to attend class, choosing to stand in protest in front of President Towa Ann Fowtin’s house on Oakmont.
Lee Bral, senior political science major, is leading the protest on behalf of Trinity’s Rodents of Unusual Size Alliance as its president. He explained the club’s motivation behind the protest.
“Not only is it ridiculous to arrest LeeRoy for being our literal mascot, but anyone can see that the dude is not a rodent,” Bral said. “What has the world come to? If they are putting people in jail for looking like rodents, I might as well stay out of class. I know at least five people that would qualify. Myself included.”
Snow Flaycke, junior economics major, has frequently supported ROUS’s efforts since LeeRoy’s arrest. They were at the scene when the arrest took place. According to Flaycke, LeeRoy encouraged students to do ‘Paws Up.’
“SAPD received complaints from some woman named Karen touring the school with some chick. LeeRoy gave Karen a high-five, but she thought it was a gang sign or something like that,” Flaycke said. “Upon confrontation, the lady began to yell at us all. Apparently, she told them ‘that furry LeeRoy is pushing his filthy agenda onto innocent bystanders.’”
Karen Debeech maintained that LeeRoy was harassing her and her granddaughter, Ree Publeken. She asserted that Trinity will no longer be a viable option for Publeken.
“I have never in my entire life been so threatened and terrorized. That giant orange monster came out of nowhere throwing crude gang signs at my daughter,” Debeech said. “It came swinging at me, arm extended in the air. Then, to my horror, the giant rat began to make hissing sounds. Of course, I had to call the police. I worry about what that loosey-goosey liberal education is teaching kids nowadays.”
Although the Trinity administration declined to comment, TPD Chief Peau Poe discussed TPD’s involvement in the arrest. According to her, TPD must comply with outside law enforcement, including assisting arrests in certain categories.
“Things are pretty tricky right now. TPD is obligated to aid the San Antonio Police Department with cases involving furry harassment. Since HB4814 is relatively new, it is outside of our jurisdiction,” Poe said. “TPD’s primary goal is to protect our students and the Trinity community. Large, harmless rodents don’t necessarily qualify.”
Chief Poe urged students to report anything suspicious on the Fizz app to ensure prompt police response. She explained that the app is completely anonymous, which protects one’s identity in case you have to report a friend or ‘opp.’
SAPD authorities predict that LeeRoy’s arrest will lead to ‘prolonged kennel time.’ They expect LeeRoy to be sent to prison for up to 5-7 years, the life expectancy of a rat.
Trinity is unlikely to replace the mascot, due to unnecessary risk. Furthermore, a school-wide ban on the ‘Paws Up’ gesture is said to be in the works. TPD encouraged students to check Fizz frequently for administration updates and new school policies.
