This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here

On March 24, Trinity students received an email from Residential Life announcing that football locker rooms will be an option for junior on-campus housing. The “dorms” will include one locker for personal items, one bench for students to sleep on, and communal showers and toilets, all for $50 less than the usual dorm price.

The move was prompted after every single senior decided to live in City Vista for fall 2025, leaving the Residential Life Committee to come up with new solutions. Anita Dorm, upper-division housing director at Trinity, explained that while the locker room-style housing might not seem preferable, there are some big benefits. She touted the amenities of the locker rooms and their budget-saving benefits for Trinity.

“If I were a 21-year-old at Trinity, I would want to live in the locker rooms,” Dorm said. “They have the best washers and dryers at Trinity. Because the football team has so much funding, the students living in it will also reap some of those benefits. Plus, it’s way cheaper than typical housing. We lowered the cost for students living in the locker rooms by $50. So really, it’s a win for the students who will live there.”

Some students expressed concern about sharing the space with the football team. However, Dorm assuaged these worries. She described the football team’s kind and gentle nature and ability to share. Dorm said that the mixed-usage space will be a way to build unity within the Trinity community.

“Have you ever met a football player? They’re really nice young men,” Dorm said. “When the season comes around, I know they’ll be able to work around each other. Sometimes, I think we are so divided as a school: dork and football player, unpopular and popular. This new dorm will help bridge some of those gaps.”

Sam Samson, sophomore tummy tickling major, will be living in the locker rooms. While he is excited about a change in scenery, Samson says the new location is not optimal. He explained he would rather live in the upstairs area of the Mabee Dining Hall.

“Do you know the spot in Mabee where you can look over the whole dining hall? That’s where I would like to be. The view is amazing, I would feel like I am looking over my dominion,” Samson said. “I am excited for the locker room housing, but really, what is there to see? Football players? I already see them blacking out every weekend.”

Brick Brack, sophomore sea fish major and football player, said he is not excited about having to share the locker rooms when the football season starts. He expressed frustration with Res Life for taking advantage of the three-year housing requirement, while clearly not having the proper facilities to accommodate students. He espoused that capitalistic viewpoints such as this take advantage of middle-class students, creating divided classes of elites and proletariats on Trinity’s campus.
“Me no want to share,” Brack said.