This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here

After a disappointing 2024-25 season for Trinity women’s basketball, many were left wondering what went wrong given the team’s history of success. According to head coach Shameron Kill, there was a very tiny culprit.

“Listen, I was trying my best out there, but there was this goddamn mosquito in my office the whole season,” Kill said. “I’d like to see you try to come up with plays under these circumstances.”

Kill, whose entire body was peppered with mosquito bites, emphasized that his team was fully capable of winning the SCAC championship, but that he simply devoted too many resources to his futile efforts to catch the insect.

“I tried everything. Fly swatters, traps, poison. One day I even had the whole team join me instead of practicing,” Kill said. “It probably wasn’t a good idea to do that the day before the St. Thomas game in retrospect, but cut me some slack! I wasn’t in my right mind.”

Senior guard Rosie Clapoli voiced her sympathies for her coach. She said ending her college career on a downer was not what she was hoping for, but it was difficult to focus on her own problems with her coach in shambles every day.

“It was just really hard to watch honestly,” Clapoli said. “I mean honestly he did a good job, all things considered. With all the relentless scratching and breaking down in tears on the sidelines, I’m just happy we ended up with a winning record.”

As the Trinibonian prepared to leave the Bell Center to prepare this article, we heard a faint buzzing noise. After contacting an experienced mosquito watcher, we were able to decipher an attempt at communication from the world’s smallest University of St. Thomas fan.

“Hahaha! St. Thomas rules! Suck it losers,” the mosquito said. “I mean, bummer that we still lost in the SCAC quarterfinal, but it was worth it. The Tigers have had it too good for too long. I look forward to next season, Kill, and many more to follow.”