This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here
Thanks to President Bud. Wiser, students in the freshman dorms are now free to smoke and drink as they please in and around Herndon, Beze, Witt Winn, Miller, and Mclean halls respectfully. In fact, all freshmen are now required to use substances if they would like to stay on campus.
Trinity’s freshman dorms have had a history of being “dry”, which prohibits alcohol, drugs, and illegal substances. Because of this policy, many people, including Wiser, report that students are studying long hours of the day to combat boredom from the lack of banned substances.
“These kids are all squares,” Wiser said. “I miss the days when students would skip class and drink with their friends all day. I hope to bring that back.”
Wiser asked TUPD not to engage with any student drinking or smoking near freshman dorms and not to investigate smells of alcohol or marijuana. Badministration has had this new rule in the works for about five years as part of Trinity’s “Bring Back Fun” initiative to give freshmen the best possible on-campus experience.
When asked about the new rule, students gave various responses. One Witt-Winn resident expressed concerns about their living situation.
“I am a little confused about this new rule,” student Buz Kil said. “I don’t like how my roommate chain smokes on his bed now or the fact that I almost sprained my ankle on a liquor bottle that was lying in the hallway this morning”.
Most freshmen expressed love for this new sense of freedom, though. A Herndon resident gave praise about their new sense of freedom.
“I love it,” Knot Zhober said. “I’ve pretty much gotten used to the smell of marijuana and tequila in my dorm, but this new rule is really a game changer.”
President Wiser and Trinity’s other higher-ups now “require” drinking and smoking for all freshmen that come to Trinity, as a new approach to entice teenagers to come and spend their four years here. Many rumors are being spread about what is next to arrive at the freshman dorms, but ideas such as a skatepark to replace Beze underground are the talk of the town.
