This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here
Although Trinity released a revised meal plan for the 2025-2026 semester a month ago, they recently amended the plan to include meal swipes for Starbucks. The Trinity Dining Committee has stated that these meal swipes will equate to $10 meals, over the standard $8 equivalent, to allow students to have both food and a drink.
The Trinity Dining Committee has sent out many surveys over the past year to gauge student’s requests. According to Hammond Wiss-Crassent, Chief Executive of the Mabee Dining Committee, the largest request by far has been for meal swipes at Starbucks.
“We’ve seen again and again people putting Starbucks meal swipes in our surveys,” Wiss-Crassent said. “It’s kinda funny, you know? This is all it takes to make you students happy. I said, ‘Why not? Let’s get these kids some meal swipes!’”
As part of their review process, the Mabee Dining Committee recruited a Student Review Board to help out with the decision-making. Lavandre Lattey, junior American hamburger and French fries double-major, discussed her experience on this Review Board.
“I feel like it is very, very important for the big guys to include students in this kind of process. I’m a big fan of Starbucks — can’t go a day without it,” Lattey said. “I was chosen because of my frequent visits to Starbies, usually three to four times a day. Trust me, I made sure the students were taken care of.”
Eyce D’moka, sophomore gossip major, served on the Review Board alongside Lattey. As a Starbucks employee, D’moka brought a unique perspective to the team.
“I could tell you your entire personality based on your morning coffee choice. So, advocating for the student body? Piece of cake,” D’moka said. “I was the one who suggested that we increase meal swipes to $10. Of course, I said $20, but they weren’t willing to go that far. As a business major, I can tell you it’s all about compromise, baby.”
Although the change in meal plans has mostly been met with positive responses, a few students have expressed disappointment in the changes. Cole Brue, senior engineering, biology, and Latin triple-major, stated he hates the new changes.
“Dude, this sucks loads,” Brue said. “I mean, lines are only gonna get longer. And now students can get free Starbucks? How is this fair? I am a graduating senior. They asked me to be on their little committee but what’s in it for me? A big bursting zero non-fat donut is what.”
In a follow-up email, Wiss-Crassent assured students that the Mabee Dining Committee is taking precautions against longer lines and food shortages. According to him, the Starbucks team will undergo a nine week extensive training program over the summer to prepare for the higher demand.
“We will make sure that everyone is prepared for the changes,” Wiss-Crassent said. “This mandatory training will ensure adequate preparation. The Starbucks CEO Mary Canna will be conducting the training, so it will be of the highest quality. We want to make sure that our students here at Trinity are taken care of.”
